Hey guys. I haven't been around as much but I've been thinking of all of you. Came back today to see how things have been going for everyone and to share. You are all my friends I think, this is what friends do, as if I would know that.

I believe I have crashed out of a terrible mixed episode that began the day my husband told me he had an addiction to opiates (may 4). I was fresh out of my first non med induced psychotic episode so yeah, it was a bad time. This has been the worst 2 months of my life which is saying a lot considering the trauma I incurred as a child...but anyway.

Lamictal did not work. It blurred my vision too severely and was also responsible for my unbelievable anxiety and panic, which I figured out only after I was tapered off and the anxiety subsided. Now I am trying topomax. Which I read somewhere is not really considered effective for bipolar anymore but I'm not sure how true that is. The geodon is able to keep me off the very rock bottom and out of complete outer space but that's about it. I have had breakthrough hallucinations and I am in a bone crushing depression right now with the same intrusive images and brain splitting I had back in April that signaled my rapid descent into psychosis.

I can't take that again.

Pdoc has suggested an injectable form of Invega.

And I am so ****ing scared right now. I am scared of everything. I am scared of taking a medication that could have intolerable side effects because I am so sensitive and as an injectable I would not be able to stop taking it - I would be stuck for a month. I am scared because this is pretty much my only option. I'm scared for my job - I am barely hanging on. I can continue because there are only two weeks left in the school year so there is an end in sight. But I'm scared I won't be able to continue working because I'm scared it's my job that triggered the recurrence of my condition in the first place.

I am terrified of my own mind, that it could turn on me like it did at any moment. I never ever thought that could or would happen to me. I never thought my condition would take me there.

I just want to cry. I hate the images. I don't want to kill myself! So ugh does my brain show me how to do it? It's not me. And why does it still do it on that much geodon? Which is raising my prolactin by the way. So I shouldn't continue to take it anyway.

I absolutely 100% cannot go inpatient again. Not while my husband is so new to recovery. I would be sick with panic the whole time wondering if he is using. That is why I am in an IOP. But they want me to step up to partial. I convinced them to let me finish out the school year but I'm not sure I even can.

The worst part is I can't tell my boss what's really happening. I can't think of a good lie either.

I wish I had IRL friends. Not that you all aren't great but right now it is not safe for me to be alone while my husband goes to meetings. I went with him last night. Tonight my mom stayed with me. Tomorrow he is staying home. Then I have IOP. So it's figured out for the next few days. I just wish this would end.

On a positive note I am seriously doing everything in my power to find ways to manage this condition this time. I have accepted that it is there and that I have a severe form. That has taken 18 months to achieve. That's where I'm at.

Please give me hugs and tell me it's just depression telling me I'm terrible. I'm really not I don't think.