I should begin by giving a little of the back ground to this post. It's a long story, but to summarise in brief my parental family were very controlling and also verbally abusive to me in the past. I would say that they are toxic. Although I now live 200 miles from my parents they have tried to grasp for control in the past. For these reasons I've been trying hard to set healthier boundaries. For the past few months, and following helpful advice from people on this forum, I have reduced the frequency of my telephone calls. I also try to avoid topics that can be trigger points for difficult conversations. I feel that these measures have made a big positive difference to our relationship. A few days ago I spoke to my grandma over the phone. The whole of my parental family, including my sibling live in the same town. They lead very interdependent lives. My parents are currently on holiday. My grandma explained that she has recently experienced some unexplained pains. She has not told my parents about this because, to quote her "she doesn't want to worry them". This sounds like martyrdom to me. None the less, the more I think about the symptoms that she describes the more I feel concerned about it. This weekend I have called her 3 times. I care a very great deal about my grandma. But at the same time I do not want to get drawn into their co-dependent circle again. I spent the best 9 years of my life living at home. During those years I supported my mum when she was unhappy with other family members. I had to explain all of my movements, and had no social life. This may sound hard and callous but I don't want to look after any member of my parental family full-time should they become ill. I'm would want to help them, of course, but not be a full-time carer. I feel I have given enough and sacrificed enough already. Also I'm just beginning to untangle the deeply knotted threads of my own physiological problems. I don't want to be drawn back into their toxic web again. My parents have big expectations that I am going to give up my entire life to become their carer should they require one. It is quite possible that they will, as they suffer from several unhealthy additions. This expectation has never been stated explicitly but I know how they think and they have strongly hinted at it. I feel that my parents will watch very closely how I react to this. If it draws me closer to them they will use illness as another tool by which to manipulate and get what they want. Does anyone have any advice as to how I handle things, both now and in the long term?