So my depression had gotten so severe the last five years I have not been able to work. I lost my last two jobs because of it and after that was in a six month long very severe depression and then an 8 month long very severe depression. Suicidal everyday. Major anxiety and paranoia. Nothing was working. So it got to the point that my doctors and family suggested I apply for social security disability. I didn't want to but it got so bad I decided to apply.

Of course i was initially denied. They didn't request not even close to my whole medical history. So as everyone has to do I got a lawyer and appealed. To get a hearing it can take up to a year and a half.

My problem is that in March we changed my meds yet again. This time however the meds are working great and by the middle of April I was feeling really good. Meds have never worked that great for me so it is like a miracle. Not really a problem because the depression is gone but it doesn't help my disability case. I almost wish I would stay severely depressed until I get my hearing. My pdoc says I deserve to win and will do whatever he can to help. I feel I deserve to win as it has gotten so bad based on the last five years.

So I am in this limbo. I decided the best route to take was to apply and I committed to that route. If I go get a job right now I will screw my case. I feel really guilty as I have no income currently yet I am feeling good so a part of me says get your *** out there and work.

I am scared to death of what the future holds. I have no idea how long the meds will work. They usually poop out for me within six months to a year. Come fall when i usually go into one the depression could just over power the meds and I am deep in it again. I am scared to death that i won't win the case and if the depression comes back what will I do. I am very much in this grey limbo area and I don't like it. The future is very uncertain. My family would never let me become homeless but i don't want to rely on them financially. Right now even though I am feeling good i am scared to death to go to work. I don't think I could handle it. What the hell do I do????