Thanks Espresso!!! And I probably don't need to say that I'm not a mental health professional!!
Sometimes abuse can be difficult to see if you're in the middle of the situation, you blame yourself, or tell yourself you're just as much to blame, or you come up with reasons/excuses for someones behaviour. So just something to think about........
But if you're not seeing it that way (at all, or right now) then the relationship still seems to be a "big" problem for you/a "big" part of the problem.
So maybe communication is something that could be worked on?? From my perspective your husband doesn't seem to be really understanding how hard things are for you or how/how much things are effecting you.
I know you've told him before and it's understandable how you may have lost the energy/will to try to make him understand. But I'd say that for things to get a bit better for you he really does need to understand and support you.
Is there maybe a time of the day (?) of the week (?) when he may be more "relaxed"/"chilled" and might find it easier to listen if you start talking a bit about what's going on for you?? Or maybe you can look out for a "good" time to talk??
Then alongside clearly saying what isn't helpful in what he's doing/saying (??) let him know just as clearly exactly what you would like him to be doing/saying.
Even throw in examples too, of things you really appreciate him doing/saying (and I hope there are some!!!) to guide him a bit, encourage him to do them more, and let him know that he does matter to you (if he does!!).
And maybe include him a bit more in the help you're getting (you are getting some aren't you??!!) to help him understand a bit more and feel a bigger part in what's going on for you. Whether that's telling him a bit more about appointments, asking him to go to the odd one with you, or passing on to him information he might find useful.
And maybe (now I'm really hesitant to say this without knowing the whole situation so don't do it if there's even the very slightest chance that it's not going to meet your real needs but...) you could both talk about some compromises/some "give and take", and those can be in really little things to start with as a trial.
I'd maybe suggest couple's counseling as well, but not sure he'd go for that, or would he, what do you think?? Worth trying or not???
You know things have to change though, right??!! And if he's not with you on this, you really do need more.
Still around though if you want to talk more............
Alison