Recently I've been arguing with my family more over the stupidest things such as going to college or my brother's tshirt ending up in my laundry and destroyed.

The most recent fight had to do with both of the above. During the shouting match, I was really upset and didn't mean to say "Well give me a gun and I'll kill myself!" I regretted it a little after I said it but it was fueled when my grandmother yells back at me "Then just ****ing do it already!" I was taken back at this and again, not meaning it, I reached for one of our knives and said I'll stab myself. My hand is blocked and my grandmother, yet again, yells "Go ahead and ****ing do it! But do it far away from here so we can't get blamed for it!" and my grandfather agreed.

I know this was probably just a slip up because of their anger but regardless, this really got to me. I've felt unwanted, unloved and just plain alone for a while now but this sent me over the edge. They just kept verbally attacking me saying how strange and weird I was compared to the family and how I don't fit in, how greedy I am trying to get as much money in grants and scholarships so I can go to college, how I think I'm better than everybody because I'm in college because I tell them what I like about my classes and how how my grades are doing. I also got a snide comment of how I'm not working because I'm too "lazy" when I just have a hard time balancing school and work. Also They said that past of being abused by my mother and her boyfriends were my fault because of how I am.

Ever since that last fight, I can't help but think about their harsh words over and over and just feel like complete crap. I can barely talk to anybody without breaking down crying and feel like I'm being looked down at from everyone.

What is wrong with me? What can I do? I am literally past my breaking point and have no idea what do..... Please give me suggestions or anything that you think will help.