It's very difficult to take care of yourself when both people are in crisis. It's difficult for my husband to take care of himself because he is afraid to leave me to go to meetings, but he has to. And I have to deal with being alone so he can go. And I have to I to IOP and so does he. And I have to figure out my meds in outpatient because so does he because neither one of us can be away from the other.

I never saw us as codependent until just this minute. But I never dreamed we would both be in emotional upheaval at the same time. Neither one I us can take complete proper care of ourselves because neither one of us can be totally selfish. We both have to be strong for the other.

It's such a tough dilemma. Two bad choices. I go inpatient and risk him relapsing. I stay out and risk harm to myself. Two terrible choices.

But in better news I did do a short guided meditation and it calmed my panic. Did nothing for the depression or intrusive images but it did calm the thoughts saying I had to act on the images. So that's nice. I'm not being so stubborn and pig headed anymore.