And it is hard. Because yeah, I guess I am terrified of intimacy. When I meet people in my daily life I can chat with them okay and look at them okay. Therapy is different, however. It feels very intimate, just the notion of two people being in a room with the door closed feels very intimate. Then the notion that I'm supposed to talk about my innermost feelings and thoughts (stuff that I'm normally very ashamed about and wouldn't tell anybody about) feels really very intimate too. And I guess I am quite emotionally intense. And my not looking makes all those non-visual cues (like tone and rate of speech and the like) take on more significance than they would outside therapy.

I'm just feeling like I don't know how this is supposed to go. I wonder a bit about other peoples therapy sessions. How they get started. What kinds of things other people talk about. Maybe things are different for me because I have all these ideas that it is about talking about the things I'm ashamed of and talking about past hurts and talking about transference feelings. Maybe other people don't arrive with such preconceptions of what therapy is supposed to be about and so it it lighter most of the time and then they have moments of intensity... Whereas for me the whole session (from just before I arrive truth be told) is super-charged.

I think that next time I will try and talk to him a bit about what it is that we are supposed to be doing. I want some direction. I guess I was thinking that maybe it is about something along the lines of free association. Maybe a little more structured (with respect to coherant lines of thought) but then I've heard that some peoples style of free association does take the form of coherant lines of thought. But he seems a bit too interactive for that really. He asks questions and does more than just clarifying even. I appreciate that he does this when I'm having trouble getting started but I find it a bit hard / odd that he does this once I have gotten started. So I'm not sure how he envisages this going really. Sometimes I feel like his comments / remarks are more disruptive than anything. I read about that somewhere. I guess he has tried to offer, not exactly interpretations, but little comments like that every now and again. I guess I've noticed that I tend to be quite rejecting / dismissive of those. I don't think that he knows me well enough (has observed me for long enough) to have figured me out very well yet. I really do think that. But maybe my dismissiveness is just a rejection of intimacy thing. I don't know.

I don't know how he envisages this going. I'm not sure what I'm 'supposed' to be doing (in the sense of what kind of process he is envisaging). Don't know...