hey everyone, im new to this so please bare with me...

before i get into whats on my mind i figure i should give a brief background as to how things led up to the way they are now..

i always knew i was different somehow, i remember being very very sad for no reason at a very young age. i never fit in very well with kids my age either, i was liked by many many people, i guess you could say "popular" but i hate labels lol. well everything spiraled out of control when my parents got divorced, i was 12 years old, and i was very very close to my father, he was my hero. my mother and i never really had a relationship, and honestly i look back and i cant remember any memories with my mom involved which is a little weird considering my dad wouldn't come home for DAYS because he worked so hard to support us and my mom was a stay at home mom(nothing wrong with that). well when my parents got divorced everything pretty much changed, but i changed horribly. I was a rebellious kid, i found trouble everywhere. i ended up in hospitals and all of that, ive done really bad things to my parents. i feel very guilty now. i was angry, upset, i felt betrayed by my dad after he left after the divorce. i mean he literally packed his bags and just left and i didnt see him for 3-4 months. when i finally saw him he was already dating another woman, which is now my stepmom. shes ok but shes very much in her own little bubble. its annoying at times but ive managed to accept her and move on. well ive been living with my mom primarily since then. im 19 now, and my relationship has gotten worse with her. my mom and i would have horrible physical fights, at 14 years old i started living with a friend of mine, her mom was incredible and even considered me her daughter which was great, because i finally felt like i had a home. highschool came around and i ended up going back to my moms house. We were at eachothers throats every day, it was just a bad relationship. i finally got my act together around 17 years old when i was a senior in highschool, i had to transfer highschools due to some stupid reasons but i did great my last year and passed all of my classes. im in my 3rd year of college. i worked for 1 year at a great employer but i wasnt getting treated fairly due to the fact that im lesbian and not many people agree, which is fine because i realized that i cant make everyone think a certain way, and everyone doesnt have to like everyone, right? well anyways, my mom has made it very clear that no matter what i do, i cant ever make up for the damage ive done. i mean ive apologized to my parents so many times, because i am truly sorry for the suffering i put them through. i was young and highly immature and irresponsible, but i tried to tell them that i had NO boundaries. my mom would let me be out late at night, i could be anywhere i wanted and it wouldnt matter. i told them i take full responsibility for everything i have done to them, because i am truly sorry, but i cannot keep living my life like as if i have to keep feeling sorry for everything ive done. i have already proved that i can handle myself. ive paid them all the money back i stole, i got a job (ive been working since i was 13) and i try to stay out of their hair as much as i can. I just feel like no matter what i do its never good enough. its stressful!!! my mom told me yesterday im 20 years old and i have nothing to show for myself. she said that when her friends talk about their kids and about how theyre going to different states and countries for careers, that she cant talk about me because she has nothing good to say about me. i think that hurt, it hurt alot actually, because i really tried to show my parents ive grown up alot and i thought i proved to them some sort of credibility. my mom is very hypocritical, and its very hard to sit down and talk to her about anything without her getting defensive and turning things around to make me feel like **** all over again. ive given up on my family, i mean really given up, to the point where once i move out ( very very soon) i want absolutely no contact with any of them, my brothers or sisters as well. the only person who truly understands me is my girlfriend, we've been together for 3 years, shes really amazing. we have our problems like every other couple but atleast when we cool off we can sit and talk about them and try to see how we can fix them and prevent other situations like that from happening again.. my family is just always making me feel like im worthless, and its gotten to the point where i have social anxiety like crazy. when i talk to people i dont know and i say something i think i maybe shouldnt have, i can hear my mom in my head calling me stupid. is that weird? lol i think its probably not normal but whats normal anyways?

well anyways the point where im trying to get at is... should i be trying the rest of my life to prove to them that im not the crazy child they think i am? do i have to always feel sorry and dwell on my mistakes to make them feel better? i just want to know if im wrong about things, i have no problem owning up to any of my problems, because i usually know when im wrong or out of line, and even if i dont know i want someone to show me and explain my mistakes to me so i can understand where i went wrong.