Dear dilemma-girl: God, can I empathize with these urges/feelings! It can be so ingrained, that it becomes auto-pilot; it was hard for me to even recognize the behaviour until after I had already acquiesced. I know how frustrating this can be!

I have to tell you that age can alter much of this - the closer I got to my 40's, the less f*cks I gave. Not to say that I became insensitive to others, but pleasing them over my own wishes didn't have the power it once had. Therapy really helped me accelerate the process, though.

You can definitely change and life will get better. You just need some help learning how to temper your kindnesses to others so they won't interfere with your best interests and needs. It does take time, but you are already recognizing your patterns and can see the pros/cons of the behaviour. You've already started the process!

Take care; wishing you the best. - Bolivar