I would love some answers. I just had overall a miserable weekend, just a small part of a miserable life. Except that this weekend, it was all in my mind - it was actually pretty nice IRL, I just couldn't get myself out of the mental black pit enough to begin to enjoy it.

I have so much shame and guilt over ending up in the day hospital, and a completely irrational fear of being sent back, to the level of paranoia. IRL, the only grounds anyone could conceivably have to do that to me would be if I were stupid enough to the to kill myself and get caught in-act or botch the job and survive. If I ever did that, a right I reserve for myself under the proper circumstances, I would have to make sure neither of those things could happen -very private and very effective.

It all feels like I did something really "wrong" - like a major transgression of the rules of society, a crime or a cardinal sin. And I do not seem to be able to wrap my mind around the concept that I shouldn't feel guilt or shame over all of this, because society does not walk the walk. No one puts cancer patients in restraints or locks the doors to the oncology wing, or puts then in the back of a squad car and hauls them in for treatment against their will. But if you have a mental illness, all of those indignities and many more are possible.

I hate this. It all combines in my mind, what did happen, what could happen, and it becomes this thing that overtakes me daily. I hate it, and I have no clue how to make it go away. Imam do profoundly sad now, because no matter what I do, I'm always just the crazy guy in my mind.