You have some excellent responses here Mowtown. What I noticed myself is that
after someone experiences something traumatic and develops PTSD, the person often
has these feelings for a while. I was very challenged with guilt myself that I would
get so bad that I too ended up at a psych ward in total emotional confusion.

Maybe what you need to think about is that it was not bad or wrong if you were
at a point in your life where you experienced a trauma where you got to a point
where you got severely emotionally confused. That is not "crazy" Mowtown and
Jane is right, so right about the need for that to be recognized and be treated
with compassion and understanding.

In all honesty Mowtown, I have struggled with these emotional challenges myself. I went through some really rough times and my therapist helped
me through them and he validated all these emotional challenges, and still
is helping me with them.

It is "ok" to have emotions Mowtown, and when you have these periods
that you are describing, write them down and bring them into therapy
with you and talk about them with your T. That is what I have done myself,
and as I have been doing that with my T and he is validating these emotional
challenges as I experience them, I continue to do better.

One day while I was expressing some of these challenges, my therapist listened and then he asked me to think about where I was when we started
therapy compared to that day as we discussed what I was struggling with.
What he wanted me to think about is "how much I had gained" in therapy
as compared to where I was in the beginning. And then he talked about
how all his patients gain as they are allowed to vent and discuss their emotional challenges.

When you have these periods and you write them down and talk about them Mowtown, that is called "remembrance and mourning" . Judith Herman wrote
a lot about this in her book "Trauma and Recovery", and she talks about the
three stages of trauma recovery too. I think it would be helpful for you if
you read her book, because it will help you your "I am crazy and unworthy"
thoughts or emotional challenges.

My T told me that in PTSD recovery/healing there is no straight line up, instead it is up and down for a while, especially in the first stage of recovery.
When you talk about your own process of recovering and healing you talk
about a time line from when you were diagnosed up until when you finally
got therapy or were exposed to a good therapist. Well, everyone is different
when they fall apart and then begin the healing process as far as working
through that first challenging stage. The same is true for the second stage and third stage too.

Judith Herman spent a lot of time with Holocaust survivors Mowtown, and if you think about it, these people lived through witnessing horrific things. However, many of them did survive and learned how to live productive lives
in spite of surviving such horrors and extreme emotional challenges.

So, you are on a healing path Mowtown, and you are really not alone with that challenge either, many people are on that path. It is "ok" to have these challenges come up, talk about them and work through them.

(((Hugs)))
OE