On Friday I saw my T for the 1st time in 2 weeks. As some of you may remember from earlier posts, I ended up calling him at one point because I was feeling extremely agitated.

So, on Friday, I started out by telling him how badly I wanted to sneak into his office and rip the phone out of the wall so he wouldn't have gotten my voicemail the day I called him. I told him how pathetic and needy I felt by calling. I wanted to erase the fact that it even happened. I even went as far as to say that I probably ruined his day by calling. (When we had spoken over the phone, I came to the realization for the first time, that I often sabatoge myself when things are going well). We picked up on this again during the session, and I shared with him, all the writing I had done during the past 2 weeks which examined by sabatoging behavior, along with my abandomnent issues. This had really all started with the phone call. In the end, he said that considering all of this had been sparked off by my phone call to him, that it's pretty worth it to call him. I said that I knew this was the case, but as usual, my feelings don't match my rational thoughts, and I still felt completely pathetic.

Now, as some of you may remember (again), I was having a huge issue with wanting to see him more than once per week, not wanting to admit this, and getting angry at him when he did not suggest it. My regular T day is Tuesday, but for the last 3 weeks, we had to have it on Fri. So on this past Fri, he asked me if I wanted to keep it on Fridays or do I want to go back to Tuesdays. So of course, like a 3 year year old, I put my hands in front of my face, and tell him that of course I would want to go back to Tuesdays, so that I could come back in 4 days. (What a loser). Then he says, "Well, I know there was some discussion about having 2 sessions per week..." He brought it up. For once, this made me happy. We were at the end of the session at this point, and I was getting all flustered because of all the stupid attachment feelings coming up. I said something to the effect of, "Now I'm freaking out because of all these feelings, and I don't want to wait...." and he said, "Well, now you have to come back Tuesday, right?" Well. I could have jumped in his lap and hugged him. For once, I didn't feel like a complete, dependent idiot for wanting to see him more twice per week. He let me know that it's okay, that there are reasons to come more than once per week-- that's it's not just because I'm a needy loser, but that there are things to work on. He said we have a lot to talk about.

I still hate this. I told him that I was stupid for ever staying in therapy in the first place. I told him that for our first couple of months, I tried to convince myself that I didn't like him. Anything so I wouldn't have to get attached. Now look what happened. I have no control over this, that's what is killing me. I feel like the relationship with T has enveloped me, and now nothing is on my terms. And now it's happening again... Starting May 16, I won't be able to go twice per week anymore. I start my internship and my class schedule changes. So what am I doing now? Starting to go twice per week just so it can hurt that much more when I have to stop. So why don't I just leave it at once per week? Because I can't. I hate that I've lost myself in this. It became way more than I ever intended it to.