Quote:
Originally Posted by Compilation
Hi Everyone, so this is a difficult one for me.
My partner and I have been together for a few years, we've recently had a baby (my partner also has two other children) and we've moved in together, previous to this I lived in my grandparents family home.
I've been incredibly close to my family (grandparents in particular) all my life, moving out was a big thing and I generally would have considered myself very close to them - Which is why this is so difficult.
Long story short, my grand parents don't like my partner and for no good reason. They simply seem to 'disapprove', despite how well mannered, respectful and nice my partner has been towards them, this still continues from their side. There is generally an atmosphere any time my partner is around, which they create with their dry attitudes, and I even dislike them being in the same company or indeed speaking about our lives together to my grandparents.
Until recently my mother and partner had a good relationship. This recently ended due to a fall out between then three of us - I wont get into details of this as it isn't relevant, however my mothers actions were deemed quite serious and when it seemed apparent she wasn't going to accept responsibility for what she'd done, she was asked to leave our house (by my partner).
The result has since been my mother divulging these details to my grandparents, and making their dislike of my partner even worse. My mother ultimately was to blame for our fall out, however she was relayed the situation to my grandparents in a way which belittles her contribution and focuses only on the fact she was asked to leave our house - This has meant that my grandparents are now even worse in terms of their attitude/interest in my family, and they themselves make no effort to understand that my mothers action were not only deserving of being asked to leave, but did indeed cause it to happen.
So ultimately where I am now is stuck in the middle. I no longer speak to my mother, as she insisted on disrespecting my partner and failed to acknowledge her other two children in public (both of which were very hurt by this as they liked my mother), and with two grandparents whom want a relationship with our new baby, but make no efforts to communicate with my partner to make arrangements to see him or have time with him and seemingly just want to rely on me visiting their house with him - Baring in mind I work full time, all week 10 1/2 hours a day. This leaves me no time after work to make visits to ensure they see him, and with only 2 days off and 3 children and a home, I naturally dont get a lot of spare time on the days Im out of work to do so either, nor do I think it should be my responsibility to ensure anyone has a relationship with my son when we all live close to each other and are capable of arranging it ourselves.
So I guess I don't know what to do. I'm hurt over the situation with my mother, and I suppose I'm moving closer to the realisation that my remaining family (despite how great of a childhood I had, and how loved I was made to feel throughout my life) have absolutely no concern for the success or happiness of my relationship and are ultimately negative influences on my life as it is currently.
I'm not sure what anyone would be able to advise here, possibly nothing, but thank you or listening.
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Hey there.....I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties and certainly understand how stressful this situation must be, not only for you, but for you partner and the kids. It seems, oddly enough, like the real children in this circumstance are your mother and grandparents, and that is a shame.
My mother, in one of her infrequent moments of lucidity, told my brother and myself that once we were married, that our respective spouses and our children WERE our family and their needs, wants and expectations would be paramount, no matter the possible grievances by our parents or other relatives. This statement was the result of her own issues with her first husbands mother, who was the epitomy of 'monster-in-law'. (great advice, however..because my mother was NPD, not all of her intelligent responses stuck with her..she did end up thrilled with my now exH--to the point where when we divorced she disowned me--but hated my brothers wife--a truly lovely person who has been wonderful for my brother--for no reason at all)
That said, you and the person you've chosen as your life partner and the kids ARE your priority. If the grandparents and your mother choose to act in a disrespective manner to them and to you, that is their problem. If the grandparents can't make the effort to come visit their grand child, again..that is their problem, not yours. Your loyalties and those of your partner, lie with each other and your kids.
It may be difficult for you to deal this way with your mother and grandparents because of the upbringing you had, but honestly.....how is it they were so loving and accepting of you when you were growing up, but suddenly turn into ignorant, hurtful, short sighted people now that you've chosen a mate to spend your life with and to create a family with? If they remain as they are with you now, then I believe I would question a LOT of my previous views regarding my rearing. Those two extremes are NOT compatible in any way, shape or form.
They will either decide to return to the loving family they were as you grew up, or they won't. What is important to remember, is what YOU instill in your child and the children of your partner (who are now, your children as well)...to love and be respectful as well as to be loved and respected.
Take care
