I feel sooo bad that that came across so wrong. To start off with I am NOT The type to fake an illness for attention, in fact I have never faked sick a day in my life. I don't completely want to have an ED. I was thinking about that this morning. also I only go to the doc when I have a real problem; I never ever go because of weight, unless I'm forced to. I don't want to be in the hospital. I don't want to lose my hair or not be able to have kids. I don't want to be preoccupied with food. But it is, momentarily, tempting because I want control, and I want to be thin. I do want to know I matter. I have depression and sometimes I feel like no one cares. BUT I know its not true and I don't purposefully go "Oh I'm not going to eat cause I want people to know I matter." I hate pity. I do like it when the health care providers care, but I don't purposefully eat so I can go to the doctor; docs scare me!! It's just kind of like an addiction; part of me wants to keep it a secret and stick to this way of life. but part of me tells myself "NO, no way!" I'm doing everything I can to keep my weight up so I don't end up in the hospital. I'd never forgive myself.