> I will want something very much, but as soon as I get it, I'm angry/upset.

That is interesting. Is it that you didn't get exactly what you wanted or is it that you really do get upset when you get something that you think you wanted? I mean, I can understand having a desire for your therapist to ask a few more questions but it might well be the case that your therapist went to more of an extreme then you intended and asked a few too many questions ;-)

> I often think about stirring things up a little (in terms of self destructive behavior) just to get his attention.

That is interesting...

I was reading something the other day about how some theorist (sorry, I really do have a hopeless memory for theorists and dates and names of publications and the like)... But I was reading how some theorist said that we are driven to repeat the KIND of interaction that we are used to. For example, if there was a lot of hostility in our interaction with our parents then we often seek out those kinds of hostile interactions. It can be about our parents loving us and having hostile interactions with us and so our coming to associate hostile attention with love. There was some client who used to provoke hostile interactions with her boyfriends because it was only by way of those hostile encounters that she felt like he loved her and was attentive to her. One of the theorists was also saying something about how anger / hostility / frustration also serves to distinguish oneself from the other person. Hostility / frustration with a person can be what helps one feel like an individual person in ones own right that is a focus of anothers attention instead of loving / attuned encounters where one can be terrified of loss of identity and merger...

I wonder if there is something of that in my annoyance with my t's comments too... I like him to say what he thinks and often express a little annoyance / disagreement with him. Maybe the annoyance / frustration helps me feel like an individual in my own right who is a focus of his attention and in part my own individuality is defined by my difference to him... Rather than attunement / merger which can be terrifying...

> I wanted every second to be filled with intensity, but at the same time, I was so incredibly closed off to him. Things started to click more once I learned that I do not have to be linear in my thoughts or what I express during the session. He encourages me to free associate-- my free association does take on a more linear form than what is traditional of that technique.

Yeah. I'm not too sure what I'm 'meant' to be doing... Every moment is kinda filled with intensity because I feel very wired before I get into the room and the sensation doesn't dissapate until I leave. He has said the odd thing about my being very very sensitive. I think part of that is that I don't look at him and my posture is kinda rigid. And I am quite intense by nature. Part of my not looking at him is an attempt to reduce the intensity but I think that it does kinda magnify the significance of other cues like his rate and tone of voice. I guess I am very sensitive to alterations like his sitting back a little (which he has become quite good at doing to give me space when he senses I'm getting a little irritable / panicky at how close he is) and disapproval / judgement in his tone...

> How flexible is your T in regards to therapy on your terms?

I think he is fairly flexible. When we were talking about some of my past therapy experiences he did ask whether there was anything they did that helped that we could change about the way we do things. I said 'no, its cool'. But maybe we should return to that conversation... Not with respect to past clinicians being particularly helpful (I prefer this way of doing things) but more with respect to figuring out what exactly it is that we are up to...

I would like to do free association but I don't know that I'm able. But if he is okay with that as a goal and okay with doing what he can to help facilitate that then I guess we could have a common goal... What would be really helpful to me would be if he could tell me how he envisages the process going and then I could bounce off him a little and we could figure things out that way.

(You know my academic work is the same. I need to read other peoples views and it is in figuring out my precise points of disagreement that I figure out what I think about it all)