i guess i regress quite badly in therapy.

i've had a past t ask me (very gently) whether i looked at people IRL when i'm talking to them. i was like YEAH OF COURSE I DO.

with my current t i sit with my forearms across my upper legs. leaning forward kinda. but rigidly. with my eyes resolutely fixed on the rug or something a little off to the left of him. i try and fixate on different things over time or i can tell he is worrying i'm getting too absorbed. if i fixate on someting for too long then he will start talking about practicing awareness of the external world mindfulness exercises especially in the visual modality. (i think i told him already that my variety of dissociation is sometimes linked to tunneled vision / temporary blindness). he typically sits leaning forward to mirror my pose but i guess the rigidity of it is hard for him. i don't move forward or back at all i'm just kinda stuck there. he moves back and forward a bit... i think he has figured out that my lack of eye contact is about my trying to regulate my emotions and has realised that his moving back when i get a bit panicky / annoyed helps me with that too.

panic.

i guess that is it. panic and shame.

and of course interactions aren't like that IRL. but then i don't really do intimacy IRL. i mean i have intimate encounters but not really the sustained relationship variety.

i know it isn't uncommon for people to regress a bit in therapy. it does scare me how quickly and how much i regress, however. just when i start to forget how sick i actually am... how pathological it actually is to hold people away from oneself as much as i do... i guess therapists are people who get closer to me than anybody else in the world. it feels terrifying. something longed for but something terrifying. i get images sometimes of holding him so close i'm smothering him and yet i'm trying to beat him to get him the hell away from me at the same time. disorganisation.

thats why people aren't safe. 'cause of how i respond to them.

and i can't find where the hell the mute button is...

you know... if i could jump him then maybe that would discharge the tension somewhat. i mean if we get it over and done with then theres nothing to fear - right?

(joke)

i'm a bit of a %#@&#! up huh.

:-(

i wonder how he would feel about my taking a benzo before session...