have taken a benzo before session. helped a bit and I told the T that i had taken it (only fair).

I frequently do some relaxation breathing before my session to help me go in more relaxed. It helps a lot. Being relaxed does help the thinking.

What if, when you have the vision of holding him close, that you..slow down and practice kindness to yourself.. and just let it happen, allow yourself to have a vision of closeness with your T. It doesn't have to last long, just a little at a time. When you've had enough, instead of smothering him or beating him let him go and say "That's enough". Your part in the vision you have now seems to say that you think you are dangerous to him. That being close to him will be dangerous for him. It won't be. He's okay and sturdy and can well take care of himself, so it's okay to let the feelings of closeness happen.

That's part of the transference, ak. It's okay.

Yep, shame is heavy in the atmosphere in my sessions. Like who do I think I am to want someone's help? Shame, deserving, allowing my needs to be met, allowing good feelings in, allowing others in...all get in the way in session, yet are some of the reasons I'm there.

Last session during one of the longer silences I recognized my feelings for my T growing. It feels good and horrible at the same time. I look anywhere but at her a lot and when I began I rarely looked at her at all. Couldn't even remember her hair color or length from one session to next. lol. That last session during that silence when I was feeling closeness to her and wanting to fight it but not wanting to fight it, I just stayed with it. Stayed quiet, ventured looks toward her, ended up looking at her arms and hands and wanting them to be holding me, liking it and hurting from it at the same time. Wanting now what I wanted then but could never find. What do I do with that NOW?! I don't know but I'm going to let it happen because I want the good feelings and the not-so-good feelings.. well that's nothing new so I can deal with them.

The night of that session I had my first T dream (there will be more) and now have fantasies of receiving comfort from her quite often. Transference has begun for me. It feels so intense to me and if I didn't know it was okay, it would be another thing I would feel shame about.

I think you are proceeding as you are meant to and it is okay. The things that are rising, that are being stirred up might be making you feel like it is regression when it isn't.

You're identifying, naming, and thinking about your defenses and I think that's very hard and can be exhausting.

ECHOES