All I know was that in this recent case that he was apparently very aroused and into it…I don't really understand why because we had known each other just one night after talking for a week or two online. Actually, all the guys I've been "with" (if you want to call it that) have all been full of praise about how wonderful I am and all enjoyed it very much. That's why it's so confusing. It's like we're both in two completely different situations…or I'm lead to believe there's something wrong with me for responding the way I did.

Apparently it did irk this most recent guy that I didn't get any wetter than I did and that I didn't moan. And as a sort of dark joke, I mentioned that maybe I should be drunker because I seem to act more correctly when I do, which he thought I should try. But I don't know…asking someone to be wetter and moan is gross and offensive. I know I'm seen only as a trophy and something to be conquered by these people.

And for the record, yes, I usually speak in absolutes, but that's because the evidence always backs me up. I've gone into the last several encounters with an open mind only to be met with some of the worst that humankind has to offer. It doesn't help that through my own reading and studying that I have come to the conclusion that I would be better off away from people except for when I need to use them to further my own goals and career. I also realize there's usually a price to pay for that but based on what I've read and experienced, artists are best off alone except for when they need someone else—so even around other people, still be essentially on their own (if that makes sense). Only give enough to get what I want.

The only time I've ever felt safe with someone was with someone who got as far away as possible from me ever since our first date. He didn't even try to hold my hand or anything! It was incredible. I was almost a person to him, as opposed to an animal/sex toy.

And I don't believe I will feel safe with someone again, unless they are able to actually respect the fact that if he's attracted to me, then all touching is inappropriate. I was just getting ok with "friends" hugging me, but I'm not sure that's such a good idea anymore. I feel like a lot of time I feel guilted into it as I'll feel guilty if I don't even though they're all fully aware of my problems with touch.

How am I supposed to learn how to communicate "no" clearly? I had no need to as a teen as no one even tried anything. Then again, people used to fear me back then—I was truly intimidating then and through most of college so that's why they left me alone. I wonder if I dress and appear to be intimidating/dangerous if that will help at all.

I wasn't necessarily using lack of eye contact to say no, I am really that shy and anxious. I just wish that would make someone think twice about forcing them into something they're not sure about. Why are there so many guys so turned on by someone not being fully willing anyway? It's sick.