Hi Ally, thanks for your reply. Yes, this is the ex-t with all those strong emotions lol! He last emailed me at the end of January, saying to see someone else in my area. That's the last I heard from him. I then continued to email him, and write him letters.

I've since quit emailing him for a month now, but I've still sent him a few letters. I'm going to send a card for father's day. I still want to update him and he has never told me to stop contacting him.

He once said that it was always nice to hear from me. But then again, he also told me that I was the only one he would see, then he just never said anything else about it. Well there is more to it, actually, he did say we would have to get together and then I told him, NO he can't see me like this - meaning that he couldn't see me as the total mess I was in at the time... Then I moved away... So I think I was the one who was scared, even though my new t already has taken old t's side saying that old t must have been scared... Because I was attracted to old t... which, if I think about it, both sides of this story are probably true... Truth is somewhere in the middle of two sides of a story.. So the truth is, we were both probably scared...

Then, end of January, he quit replying to my emails (which I understand why I guess - he was scared and had to protect himself- his job, family, relationships... if you are not seeing this younger, female person as a therapy patient, why stay in contact with them? Especially if they are attracted to you - that is like playing with fire. What must his wife or coworkers think? But why couldn't he have just TOLD me this??). So I don't know if I can trust him or what he says, although I told him I trust him with my life (and I do - because I feel I need to and feel compelled to trust this person - I really need this person to be trustworthy). So maybe abandonment is not the right word for it, but it is a huge loss to me. It maybe just feels like abandonment. I have been grieving over him so painfully for so long now. Which is really stupid cause you can't know your therapist that well. He did share himself a little, but now he has closed up and I've pushed him so far away so effectively and he has distanced himself pretty much beyond the point or repairing this relationship probably. Not that there's anything in it for him or any reason he would want to repair a relationship with me. And besides, I'm the one who F^#$ed it up. So it will be up to me to fix it. So hence, more therapy. New t. Hoping it WON'T take YEARS.

Definitely feels like abandonment... Except I'm the one who ran away because I was scared of this person seeing me. Then, after I ran away, I wrote him a bunch and he probably felt helpless to do anything about how I was feeling (often suicidal, or doomed, or hopeless, or defeated, or giving up on myself and life and everything - in short, depressed). So then it makes sense for him just to give up on me as well, and to just tell me to see someone else then.