So, I might be a little calmer now. Well, calmer isn't quite the right term, I wasn't exactly agitated or hyper when I wrote this post this morning, but I was more "tense" if that makes sense.

My current situation (whether real or entirely in my mind, or a mix thereof) actually is parallel to what I experienced growing up. Then, there was a big dark secret that HAD to be kept, "or else", I was expected to create and maintain a public image that was different from the on-the-ground reality, any transgression was a "big deal" even if it really wasn't, and the "penalty" for a transgression was severe. When I was a kid, it was "dad's crossdressing", the image of the "perfect family and loving son", getting an A- on a test in school was a major failure on my part, and the punishment for such a major failure was being brutalized emotionally with the threat that it could turn physical, even though it almost never did (he would do things like grab me by the shirt collar and pull me close as if he were going to punch me out).

Now, the big secret is my time in the day hospital program and all of the other psych related things I have been through, seeing therapists and psychiatrists; the image I have to project is that of citizen/professional/neighbor/family member/good upstanding citizen; the failure was the failure to do that, instead "losing it" and ending up in said day program; the punishment is ... the fear that I will somehow be "cast out" of my life should the big secret be revealed.

When "calmer heads prevail" I can break it down like this. Yes, it is an embarrassing secret. Not something I would like to have known. BUT, it's also not exactly the "end of the world". Other people have done far worse things and managed to pull together their lives - committed crimes, destroyed marriages and families through substance abuse or gambling or infidelity, bankrupted themselves with compulsive spending, etc. - I know I'm putting "value judgments" on those acts, but ranking them like that sort of ... makes me feel better, I guess, whether or not it's really valid to do it like that. My public image, should the dark secret become known, would ???? I don't know. Maybe people are more accepting than I believe them to be? Maybe the majority of people would "understand" or at least not care?

And, the "big question" - COULD they and WOULD they be able to leave me out in the cold of my own life? Realistically, no. Sure, there are some people who could stop associating with me. That might be very painful emotionally. Could my boss fire me? Sure, anyone can be fired at any time (despite what some of us like to think, if they want you out, they will find an excuse sooner or later). Could they "take everything away from me"? Assets such as house, car, bank accounts, retirement fund? No. I would have to be significantly dysfunctional for that to happen.

All of this really is "in my mind". In real life, people now seem to look up to me as some kind of "winner" because of the way I have changed in 2 years - people keep telling me I'm "inspiring" or whatever. Of course, the inner voice always says "if you only knew the truth, you would recoil from me." Of course, the inner voice is FUBAR, so what does it know?

I need to make the inner voice match the outer reality. That is the crux of this situation, because I have been searching for "how" to do that for 2 years almost, and even though I make some progress, or even a lot of progress as in the recent past few months, things apparently always "fall apart" again.

I don't like this. I don't want to keep doing this - I only make myself very unhappy. I just don't seem to know how to "turn it off".