This week I have been in a depression where my mood hasn't lifted significantly for a year. My depression hasn't been properly controlled for over three years now, in that time I've had the occasional period of respite but it has never lasted more than a couple of months at the most. Strangely, before that I managed 8 years med free. It seems somehow I became treatment resistant while med free as since going back on meds nothing has worked.

My latest anti-depressant Valdoxan hasn't had time to kick in yet, but the Cymbalta is out of my system so there is nothing to keep me going. I don't see myself ever getting better or even to a stage where the worst of the symptoms are controlled. I am in as bad a state as I've ever been, I think about harming myself in some way just about every waking hour, I am only safe because I can't be bothered to try or even come up with a plan, it is too much effort, I'd rather sleep. My previous attempts lead me to believe that I am destined not to succeed, anyhow this depression won't be erased by death.

I'm feeling forgotten, discarded, decayed.