Everything posted on these forums can trigger a lot of things but just letting you all know.

There's so many beautiful things in the world but I can't live because I'm afraid to die. I'm scared to leave such a beautiful world. I'm hurting so much. I used to live such a different life, I feel like my life started over. I'm living a new life, a miserable one. I love my family, my dog. Now I can't help feeling, like I'm wasting every second. I feel like sleeping is a waste of time, we're wasting every second. I hate when people are like "live life like its your last day" "life's short, live today" and I can't do that because if I knew today was my last day, I'd be scared sh**less. No one knows when their last day is and that's why everyday I'm scared out of my mind. I'm scared of losing my family too. I can't stop thinking ahead. I can't stop questioning everything, life and god. I'm scared of getting old.

I wish I believed in something but so much doesn't make sense. I can't believe in god but I wish I did, so much. A few years ago, if I was going through this I'd feel some kind of comfort. I wasn't totally devoted back then but I believed in god a little. Now it is so difficult to do so. I want to believe in something. I want to find some security. I want to live in the present and not have this extremely intense fear. I love my family and they're so peacefully living life but I can't do that.

I don't know if I'll ever be the girl I was just a few weeks ago. I wish I could sleep and wake up to being the same person I was a few weeks ago.

I want to be the girl that cared about boys, getting a job, going back to school, meeting new people, worrying about my bad skin, my weight, my appearance, etc. Nothing matters anymore. I can't shower and i can't take care of myself anymore. Nothing that once made me happy makes me happy anymore.

Today my family was getting mad because I didn't want to eat and I wanted to tell them everything but I couldn't. I cried though, for the first time. I feel horrible. I feel sad. I feel fear all over my body. My stomach hurts too. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow again.

I'm going hiking with my sisters and cousins but I don't have the energy and my mind is struggling. I hate reaching out to you guys but any advice would be good. I want to hear positive things right now.

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