> my first thoughts on this were 'how do you tell if the response is genuine?'

it is really very hard to fake a smile. i can usually tell when people are chatting with me out of politeness (their eyes are wandering and they look a bit bored and they aren't really listening). in fact, different facial muscles are activated with genuine smiles and fake smiles. the majority of people aren't deceptive and the majority of people aren't good at being deceptive even if they are trying to be. the majority of people are looking for... moments of mutual attunement methinks.

moments of attunement can be as simple as mutual appreciation of a cup of coffee. a shared smile as a bird takes off. i think it is about finding / discovering things that are mutually satisfying. abstraction really helps because most people enjoy music and the mood altering capacity of it even if they have different tastes in the particular music they find pleasurable. similarly for art and the like. i find moments of attunement in disagreement as people catch me in an inconsistency (which i find perversely delightful) and they encourage me to broaden my thinking. i really do think that people are similar enough to each other for it to be possible for them to find moments of attunement. trouble is... some people resist moments of attunement / emotional connection to others because of their baggage (i tend to avoid them because i'm afraid).

> anyway where was all this going? right so im afraid to reveal an emotion or much of anything because i know i wont get the 'emotional attunement'.

it can be as simple as a sympathetic smile. like how infants flourish with attuned moments and don't do so well without it adults are the same. people vary in their capacity and willingness to engage in such moments, though. i tend to provoke hostility becasue in a way that feels safer to me. sigh.

> so ... am i looking for it from the wrong people?

possibly. or possibly it is about not appreciating the range and scope of possibilities for attunement experiences.

it requires... practice. therapy is supposed to help by providing such experiences (well that is one thought) and then you start to see when you pull away from them... and eventually are able to tolerate them more and get a grasp on why others draw away and appreciate not to take it personally.

> about stepping up the the plate as a friend to this guy i sort of did that already. i sent him several text messages while he was at home for the funeral just saying i was thinking of him, asking how he was coping, saying i was there if he wanted to talk when he came back to college etc. and got polite thank yous to each.

it might be... that he doesn't want to talk about it. i don't know. maybe he is trying to distract himself. i have no idea. (e.g., maybe he isn't so close to this person and feels bad for not feeling very upset about it or maybe he just doesn't want to talk about it). it was nice of you to do that though. maybe... you could send him one more and say that it would be cool if you could catch up sometime if he would like and that he could txt you if he would like to do that. yeah, it is putting yourself out there a little but then the ball will be well and truely in his court.

i haven't really explained the attunement stuff very well...

it isn't so very clear in my own mind.