I've always had issues with myself...
Growing up my dad would physically and emotionally abuse my mom. I had to witness a lot of things I wish I didn't.. I always had to be "the strong one" and the one they put the most pressure on since I was the oldest.

When I was 17 I met my ex boyfriend whom I fell head over heals for. Our relationship was full of ups and downs since the beginning. He had a lot of family issues too but his were different in a way. We both had a vision of what we didn't want. He knew how my dad was and I knew how his mom was (both kinda messed up).
Our second year together everything started to go downhill.. I really don't remember how or why it happened but he started physically abusing me. He had really bad anger issues but I still loved him and I didn't want to leave him. We got engaged in July and I thought things were going to get better but they didn't. I had opportunities to get out of that relationship but I didn't take them because in a way he was my way out of living with my parents.
Things got worse every fight we had. On Feb exactly on my bday I found out he was cheating on me. We got into a really bad argument and I slapped him. He got really mad and started hitting me and kicking me with his boots in my stomach.. I stayed away from him for about a month.. I was beyond depressed I lost ten pounds in a week and I would cry all day everyday. Once June came around he started telling me that he wanted to be with me that he missed me and that things could get better. Me being the hopeless person that I am believed him.
Without my parents permission I moved out with him on August. The first month everything was fine but then it happened again. I couldn't go to work for a couple of days because he tore my bottom lip with a bottle. On November I had to call the cops on him because he was mad at me and almost destroyed most of my stuff.
I really don't know if I didn't leave him because I loved him, because I didn't want to go back home, or because I was scared to be alone. My best friend was the only one who really knew what was happening and always told me to leave. She would tell me she was going to call the cops on him but I begged her not to because I didn't want to get him in trouble. When December came around he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I kinda knew it was coming but it still hurt. I didn't think much about it I mean I did cry and I told him that we could fix it ( me knowing that we couldn't but still) didn't work so I moved out by myself.. January he would still ask to see me and I would agree why because I'm stupid.. And I missed him.
I figured he was dating someone but I really didn't want to accept it. On feb I found out that days after I moved out he started dating this pregnant girl that also had a 2yr old kid. I felt heart broken because I thought she was pregnant with his baby but it wasn't. I cut all communication with him but some how he still managed to message me on Facebook to say mean things.
Ever since then I haven't really been okay. I moved back in with my parents and even though I know they love me sometimes they use my past against me. They love reminding me of how I messed up. I also can't seem to get over that he left me to be with a girl that was pregnant with another guys baby.. It's been almost a year and 6 months and I haven't been able to get into another relationship. I talk to guys but I end up pushing them away. I don't want to get hurt.. I'm traumatized with the idea of me loving someone soo much and then them leaving me for somebody else... I know everyone is different but I can't get that out of my head.
Aside from that I feel like a failure because of what happened with him I wouldn't focus on school and now that it's been 4 years since I graduated high school I haven't done much.. I feel like I am so far from getting my degree. My parents keep asking when I am finishing but truth is I have no idea. I am so sad knowing that they know I'm a failure. I feel like I'm in a dark hole that I can't get out of. I am lonely and miserable.