First I'd like to say that I can understand that the title of this may be offensive to some and that is not my intention by any means. The title is simply the best way to describe how I feel.

A few years back I was told I am bipolar and I am now taking Lamictal 200MG a day. Most of the time I feel like it helps however there are some days where living in my own skin is unbearable.

Starting from a young age I was a liar. I lied about everything only to gain attention. I even lied that I was raped in the 8th grade in order to feel love by my friends. I have a hard time accepting love and in turn do just about anything to gain it. I realize now that what I was receiving wasn't love for to love someone is to truly know them. Now I am 23 and still have the same issue. I always think someone is lying to me. If a person isn't talking to me everyday or doesn't want to constantly hang out I find myself completely lost and I can't focus on anything else. That person becomes who I think about, talk about, my life revolves around them. This I have come to accept is very unhealthy and lonely.

Other times, I'm on top of the world. I feel loved and everyone loves me. I enjoy sex and will do just about anything to get it. This is something that I will feel amazing about and then come to later regret leading myself back into a spiral of constantly thinking about why that said person doesn't want me. I haven't been in a relationship of any kind since I was 16. During that time I have had several "dates" and a few one night stands. Every occurrence leaves me feeling empty inside. I don't know what's wrong with me.

There are times when I get extremely pissed off. I don't handle stress very well. A few weeks ago I moved and the stress of it all left me physically and mentally exhausted. I became pissed at the world, I constantly broke down crying and I wanted to do was fall asleep and never wake up again. A week later I was excited and happy to be alive and now all I can think about and worry about is how I'm scared to be in my own skin.

I feel alone and empty. I feel happy around people but when left alone, my thoughts get the best of me. There are days when I can't stop thinking, days when I can't just rest and turn my head off and then there are days when I simply want to sleep and do for hours. I feel like no one wants me and that sometimes I'm a waste of space. I've never had someone to love me other than family. I'm sad to say that for me, that's just not enough.

As you can see I'm a pretty messed up individual but I have to admit that typing this out has been therapeutic in the best way possible. I just wish I were someone else. I read all of these posts about being bipolar and am starting to think that I was misdiagnosed. I feel like crazy. Something is wrong but I don't know what. Maybe there is nothing wrong and this is who I am. I'm feel like maybe I'm trying to find a cause to how I feel. Why can't I just be me and be happy? Instead I'm miserable but then there are days when I'm the happiest person in the world but then I realize that the worst part of me is coming. The happiness never stays for long.

I'm not expecting any responses, lord knows I've typed a novel but I'm hoping just getting my thoughts out will be enough for now. I'm not sure what to do and my problem is that I know myself inside and out.. but I don't want to. I just want to be normal. I don't know what to do.