Okay so my best friend is pregnant and she and I have been having problems understanding each other. I have problems trying to tell her what I mean without her getting angry.

The other day I texted her, after she found out that I was going on a date, that I thought she didn't care about my dating life, she's married with a baby on the way so I thought that I shouldn't burden her with my problems. Well she got upset and said "Wow it's good to know you don't think I care" Unfortunately I hate getting into stuff over text so I just let that go. She was evidently really upset because she didn't even tell me, her supposed best friend, that she went to the ER because of pain or nausea or something. I found out from a Facebook post of an ultrasound of the baby. O.O

So below is an email I wrote to her trying to explain myself and how I feel. Your thoughts about how it comes off would be greatly appreciated. The last time I tried to talk to her she called me an "apocalyptic self centered narcissist" so I want to make sure that I'm not sounding like that this time.

Thanks.

Friend,
So I feel like it might do some good for me to be able to explain myself. Unfortunately when we talk in person I have a hard time articulating myself and become defensive and shut down before I'm able to really tell you what's going on or how I really feel.

Also the last time I emailed you you said you didn't read it. Read this one. It's important for both of us.

Our last in depth person to person talk was a good one. I came away from that conversation learning much and realizing a couple things.

1) Things are changing more rapidly then I would like I cannot change that. This means that I have to change my perspective and be there to support you in this time. I want, and I am trying, to do that and am willing to do whatever you need me to do in order to help you.

2) My life as a single woman is lonely and your life as a married woman is not. I have realized that you, as a newly pregnant woman and a wife, cannot be everything that I need from one person. That's not a bad thing. I feel like I need someone who will be there for me when I'm lonely, be there to support me in any and all endeavors and be there to share in the joys and sorrows of life. This is a boyfriend, not a friend. I'm sorry that I expected you to be all of these things for me all at once, it wasn't fair and I realize that now.

3) In realizing that I have unfairly placed my burdens on you I have decided to spread out those burdens, by finding a boyfriend who will be there for me and by finding other female friends. This doesn't mean that I won't be there for you, you are my best friend and I will ALWAYS be there for you, I just need to find more people who are there for me too.

4) Upon further inspection of our last text message issue I realize that what I meant to say was that you really don't seem as interested in my dating life as I would like. It's not that you don't care, you have told me you do and I believe you. Maybe it's that you don't seem as interested as I would like, and that is no ones fault but my own for expecting you to be. In fact when I started dating last year and started to come to you with stories and whatnot you told me that you are in a different place in your life where these stories and endeavors don't excite you as they would when you were younger. That's okay. I have realized that maybe my dating life isn't the most interesting news of the day. So to cut down on the drama that I bring into your life I have decided that maybe I should keep the little things about my dating life to myself, like first dates and who I am currently texting. You will meet my next "boyfriend" as I still value your opinion highly, but until then I thought that it would cut down on your stress and my drama level if I kept the small things to myself.

5) I did not mean for my text to come off as "passive-aggressive" I meant it to be honest but not mean. I told you how I felt, obviously in a way that was not okay, and I'm sorry. I have gotten to the point where I don't know what will upset you anymore. I want to be the best friend I can be, with little drama but I still want to be honest. I will try to be better but I'm still learning obviously and I hope that you would realize when I have just stuck my foot in my mouth. You should know that I would never intentionally hurt you or upset you.

6) In our last in depth talk you made it clear that you are uncomfortable sharing your problems with me. That deeply troubles me. It upsets me to know that in this time of great change you are closed to me. You are willing to hang out with me and be there for me, but don't seem to be offering me the same for you. I want to be there for you. I want you to be able to call me and tell me what's going on. I want a mutual friendship and it troubles me that you have shut yourself away from me, and I'm not talking about you hibernating or wanting to stay home, that's different, I am talking emotionally. Since our talk I have tried to cut down on the drama. I thought I was doing better, I've been trying to not bug you too much, let you initiate conversation. I have offered myself to you, whatever help you need, but I don't feel you want it. I'm still here for you, even if it's hard for you to feel that way.

Lastly I write this email knowing full well that you may get upset. I write this email hoping that you will hear me, really hear me. Please don't jump to conclusions about what I have written. If you have questions or comments, please respond to the email and I hope that we can work out our differences. You mentioned that anymore drama and you would need to take a break. I hope that trying to explain myself and my feelings doesn't cause you to shut me out. I am NOT trying to be apocalyptic or self centered or narcissistic. Unfortunately telling you how I feel might come off self centered, it might even come off as accusatory, I assure you I do not mean it that way. I am taking a chance by doing this, by trying to get this off my chest and my mind, because since our talk I am afraid of saying what I mean, for fear of losing your friendship for a while.

I am trying to be better. A better friend. A better person. Less dramatic. Less burdening. This is the only way I know how and I still fear that it isn't right.

I hope that we can understand each other better. This is my white flag. As I said in the text message, the ball is in your court. I hope to hear from you soon but it is up to you if you want to talk to me. I still love you and I always will.

Sincerely with hope and love,
Me