Anyone else here?

Not in the "I smoke a lot of weed to cope with things and it helps me chill out" kind of way, but the "My relationship with weed is to toxic that I really need to quit and can't" kind of way. BPD is also a big aspect of my overall mood cycles and my addiction problems...I hope some of us who are in the same situation can connect. I really feel alone/isolated in this. I feel like I always write in an almost standoffish-way when I'm on this board cause there's always something nagging me in the back of my mind (MJ).

Clearly I haven't been embracing an opportunity to come out about this and get support, even online. Funny thing is, I facilitate a support group for people with mood disorders and substance abuse (concurrent). I even facilitated one today and had smoked some weed earlier in the day. I feel even possibly triggered into using because of the support group.

I definitely have polysubstance addiction problems. Right now I haven't done any hard drugs in about 6 weeks but I'm like, wow, I'm getting so stoned all the time that it doesn't even matter. I just got this awesome new job, and I got stoned before I went in today and wasn't exactly prepared, and just felt so timid/ridiculous/stupid. Like everyone was looking at me like I'm a ****ing lunatic, you know?

I've actually done so much "treatment" and counseling half-heartedly for many years of my life. I think I'm too addicted to the whole bohemian lifestyle and not giving an eff. I'm sure one day I can be quirky in my own, clean way.

Also, weed is really taking away that "caring enough about my own wellbeing" that needs to be there in order to see a point in quitting. It's in there, but it's mostly a whisper. I'm always holding out until I hit rock bottom, because that's what's always made me quit in the past. Might as well get high while I'm waiting to get there is pretty much how I feel. In my head I know it makes sense to start dealing with this right now before I mess up this awesome new job I landed and start flailing on all my projects and goals.

Would love to meet and talk to anyone else in the same boat and do some mutual supporting.

Porcelain