I really did not think about all of these different challenges like this, not until I
was thinking about how yes, both I and Mowtown were IMHO treated wrong, but
in a lot of opposite ways. It is a stigma within a stigma and one is just as bad as the
other.

For myself, it was hard enough just being a female and being heard and validated, now
I am just a female with PTSD so therefore I am "just a crazy woman" over reacting
and "don't listen to her she is crazy". And over and over again I was genuinely struggling, the PTSD was unbelievably crippling and it was so bad I was in serious
condition and was "still" invalidated the same as when I was dying in my bed and was
yelled at for moaning.

I present to this psych ward and I was so bad and I said all the "red flags" and expressed
all the signs for Post Traumatic Stress, and apparently THAT WAS NOT "REAL".

I struggled so much with my ex Lawyer and he really was "failing" in EVERY WAY,
it got so I could not go and see him "alone" yet when I brought my husband in, it was
no better because then I had the two of them TALKING DOWN to me. I called so many different lawyers to GET HELP too. I did not find ONE lawyer that did not know my lawyer and "NO, IT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN HIM, IT MUST BE ME". FIVE YEARS of this
until it got SO BAD IT WAS OBVIOUS. Then, with it being SO BAD, SO OBVIOUS, my husband finally realized I WAS RIGHT.

I really worked SO HARD to have my little farm and be a good mother and wife and
it was such a challenge because both my child and husband had disabilities. That spring
I thought that FINALLY all my patience and hard work was at a point where I could FINALLY just relax and maybe even focus on myself and finally make plans to do things
that "I" wanted but had to put aside because of their needs.

NEVER, in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I would see EVERYTHING I worked so
GOD DAMN HARD FOR DESTROYED the way it was. And then when it just completely
broke me in a way I had no idea could happen, I WAS TREATED SO BADLY IN SO MANY WAYS and IT REALLY IS ALL IN WRITING TOO.

The attorney for the opposing side, the insurance attorney doesn't know anything about
horses and ponies. She was getting help with it from some people in the horse world.
When I went to my deposition she says over and over that she is not very knowledgeable about horses, and she is trying to question me as best as she can.
Meanwhile my ex attorney has a need to give two dissertations that takes my deposition
"OFF TOPIC". He gives a long dissertation about how he is a Jew and yet not a bad Jew
and that there "are" a lot of bad Jews that are lawyers. Then, he has to "again" give
a long dissertation about how he is going to a reunion for law school and he NEEDS TO NAME ALL THE TOP LAWYERS he knows and all the ways the ones he is "friends with"
that are on the "who's who of top successful lawyers" and have practiced "philanthropy".

I am sitting there TRYING to do this deposition and NOT HAVE A FLASHBACK because
of how I had been in such serious condition with crippling REAL PTSD and I did not really understand it or even how to avoid experiencing these flashbacks or horrible
episodes that PTSD presents. And here is my lawyer going on and on ALL ABOUT HIMSELF and I can see how the opposing attorney A WOMAN is not interested at all
and just is being polite. NO, I did not have anyone there FOR ME that day either,
instead it was very clear to me that I was ALONE with two people and a stenographer
that WERE THERE FOR THEMSELVES. I wish I could play a video from my brain what
that looked like from "my position" that day. If I "could" do that it would be so
obvious to everyone here that what happened to me that day WAS WRONG and you
would all see how this older attorney was in a strange DEMENTIA mindset where
all he was doing was having one of those episodes where "he really was in his
own world" and that was so much more important than MY DEPOSITION, which
did not get finished due to his need to take so much time away for HIS NEED TO
TALK ABOUT HIMSELF that day.

That took place in October of 2010 and that deposition ended with me being asked
which horse/pony got hurt the worst and I looked down on a diagram I had drawn
and went into a flashback and THEY WERE ALL THERE HURT AND ALL I COULD DO
IS CRY and I could not talk, no I was totally trapped in that flashback. They ended
the deposition there and I had all I could do to find my way to the bathroom to get
away from them and try to find my way back to the NOW somehow. I just wanted
to be alone and get myself together in that bathroom, and I can't even count how many
times "a bathroom" was the place I ran to in order to have some kind of safety too.
I did not even think about that then either, no that was going to reveal itself later in a way I never imagined my brain doing. However, when I got in the bathroom and locked myself in one of the stalls, trying so hard to "get myself together", the stenographer
came in and heard me crying and said, "I am so sorry that happened to you, losing an
animal can be like losing a child to some people". And at least SOMEONE did see that
in that room that day. But, I have to say her words only made me cry even more.

When I finally got it together to get out of that bathroom, that room was EMPTY and
I didn't even see my own lawyer, the floor was really empty and even that stenographer
had left. Yes, everyone else's agenda, their needs were taken care of and they were gone, and I WAS ALONE, ALL ALONE ON THAT FLOOR, and no one was really there
for any of that, I was alone and found my way out and to my car and I don't even know
how I found my way home.

It would have been "helpful" if I even had a therapist to talk to about all that, but I did not have ANYONE and that was because I DID NOT HAVE ANY MONEY TO HAVE THAT
KIND OF HELP. No, so many animals were damaged, that I was in debt, my business
was suffering, what I could manage to do of my business because I was struggling so
much and alone with this horrible thing called PTSD that I don't even know how I managed to do any of that tbh. We had to give up our health insurance too, and I had tried to look for a therapist to help me with the PTSD but they were ALL WAY OUT OF ANYTHING I COULD AFFORD. I had NO ONE, no one to help me with this awful thing
called PTSD either. I had presented to a psych ward asking, no begging, for rest and grief counseling and the psychiatrist did not HEAR ME and MISDIAGNOSED ME and
I did not get the help I needed. I did not even have PC then either, I HAD NO ONE!!!

I am going to stop here, I have to get out there and take care of my ponies. And I am
very tired and my body is in a lot of pain right now. At least I have T today, I hope I can make that drive this time, last week I was so bad I could not drive.
At least my T will do a session over the phone, but last week I was really bad,
he was perplexed and there was not enough time for me to express all that I needed to express with him. It was not a helpful telephone session tbh, and
I ended up being triggered when he said, "time is up" too.

This is really hard, because I feel like somehow, someway someone is going to
get dismissive. I am trying to talk about something "important" something
"very real" and no matter how hard I try, I am treated as though "it is not real", it is not important and I am only making "too much" fuss somehow.
Yesterday alone was horrible and I am not doing well at all.

OE