Alisha,

I used to look at it the way you are describing, I did not look at the way I was so badly
treated was because I was a woman. That really came into my mind when I noticed
the difference in how Mowtown was treated verses how I was treated. And actually,
in all my supportive posts to others, I have never said "you are treated this way because
you are a woman" to members who struggle and are women. Instead I try to hone in on
the abuser and point out things about that person that made them challenged so that
they were abusive and un-nurturing.

Mowtown, while your therapist is party right, what helped you a lot was finding someone
who also gave you permission to invest in yourself too. When we gain access to that kind of person, it really does wonders for how we "heal" and move forward. I would not have made it had I not met the vet here that helped me when the PTSD got so bad that
I experienced such severely crippling dark thoughts. Along with that I also had eventually found a therapist that "is the real deal" and extremely supportive and understanding. He has been seeing all that is going on with me IRL that has been bad
and actually "retraumatizing" me and not good for the PTSD at all. It has been so bad
that I didn't want to talk about it here at PC for fear that I might somehow be dismissed and hurt even more. Yet, there were times it leaked out and when that did happen comments were made and I suffered even more on top of already suffering IRL.

What I do here at PC is have an outlet to have that "good part" of me come out because
that has been so crippled IRL. I spent a lot of time IRL doing very positive things and
while I was tested a lot, I still saw a lot of gains taking place, I just was not ever expecting to see all that just wiped out the way it was. I just worked very hard to have my own place, it was private too, no signs, no "hey look at me" going on, just private
where "positive things" were taking place. I had my "own way" of teaching children and
I worked with a lot of different children all with different "self esteem" challenges and I
had designed a program for each one of them, just for each child and it worked well. I did for each of them what I do here tbh. I "see you", I "hear you" and do my best to
"help" if I can. Yet, I admit, sometimes some of the PTSD and IRL issues comes into
the mix, and then I am misunderstood etc.

I don't have people come to my farm but only "occasionally" because I need the money
so badly. I had "tried" to rebuild and try to train some ponies I had left. It was so hard
because I would have flashbacks when I worked with them and at the time I had no money to work with a therapist. And I had bad experiences with that so I was trying
to do it on my own as best as I could.

However, even with the lawsuit, my neighbor was still being "intrusive" and then while
I had a few people coming to help me with this training, students that I had taught to ride. I had another neighbor who's electric fence malfunctioned, a policeman to boot.
I called the dog warden and in spite of her talking to him he still didn't fix it and that dog was coming down my driveway and that was not good because now my horses and ponies are terrified of dogs. I was lucky that one of my students took pictures of the dog coming down my driveway and I ended up sitting across from the police chief insisting that it be taken care of as he was insisting it had been WHEN IT WAS NOT.

Well, that whole challenge triggered the PTSD badly, along with my neighbor still trespassing, even tearing down a no trespassing sign. I ended up having a "rage"
with my daughter and it hurt her and I had no idea "why" that happened and that it
happened because of the PTSD. Well, it was not fair to my daughter, the one person
I would never want to hurt. I felt so horrible and I didn't understand it either and that ended everyone coming out and she moved out, moved out when she knew my husband and I were going to do a job and be gone all day. That was the very beginning of the dark PTSD taking shape.

I tried again to find a way to get back in that ring and had a trainer come out and work with me as I worked with a beautiful mustang I had. This woman was a really nice woman and respectful (kind of like the PT you talk about Mowtown). I tried really hard
to scrounge up money to have her keep coming. I was trying to have something "positive" happen in that riding ring again. It was cheaper than a therapist, however,
I could not keep it up, just did not have enough money. And I wanted it so badly, needed it so badly too.

Now, for me to be in that riding ring just triggers the PTSD. As I mentioned, I only have
customers come on occasion. I talk about a child psychologist who had credentials up the wazoo that came her with her grand daughter? Well, that came unexpected, I didn't even know what she was, just that she was a doctor. She sent out that presence where
it was clear she needed to be in charge. I just let her do that until she got frustrated and asked me to take over. I worked with this child as I always did really and when I finished this woman could not stop praising me about how gifted I was and should seriously consider going back to school and becoming a psychologist.

I kept myself together that day, but she didn't know that I had already really been doing that and she just saw a sample of it. I didn't talk about the PTSD or everything that had happened, how hard it was for me to be in that ring either that day. I just graciously thanked her and she left and I went up to my room and climbed into my bed and cried.

OE