Quote:
Originally Posted by waiting4
Hey there.....I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties and certainly understand how stressful this situation must be, not only for you, but for you partner and the kids. It seems, oddly enough, like the real children in this circumstance are your mother and grandparents, and that is a shame.
My mother, in one of her infrequent moments of lucidity, told my brother and myself that once we were married, that our respective spouses and our children WERE our family and their needs, wants and expectations would be paramount, no matter the possible grievances by our parents or other relatives. This statement was the result of her own issues with her first husbands mother, who was the epitomy of 'monster-in-law'. (great advice, however..because my mother was NPD, not all of her intelligent responses stuck with her..she did end up thrilled with my now exH--to the point where when we divorced she disowned me--but hated my brothers wife--a truly lovely person who has been wonderful for my brother--for no reason at all)
That said, you and the person you've chosen as your life partner and the kids ARE your priority. If the grandparents and your mother choose to act in a disrespective manner to them and to you, that is their problem. If the grandparents can't make the effort to come visit their grand child, again..that is their problem, not yours. Your loyalties and those of your partner, lie with each other and your kids.
It may be difficult for you to deal this way with your mother and grandparents because of the upbringing you had, but honestly.....how is it they were so loving and accepting of you when you were growing up, but suddenly turn into ignorant, hurtful, short sighted people now that you've chosen a mate to spend your life with and to create a family with? If they remain as they are with you now, then I believe I would question a LOT of my previous views regarding my rearing. Those two extremes are NOT compatible in any way, shape or form.
They will either decide to return to the loving family they were as you grew up, or they won't. What is important to remember, is what YOU instill in your child and the children of your partner (who are now, your children as well)...to love and be respectful as well as to be loved and respected.
Take care  |
Hi, thank you for your reply - I didnt see it initially.
Everything you said makes sense, and I think your mothers advice was good. Probably similar to what I will pass on myself one day, especially having gone through this.
RE: my upbringing and it being contradictory to now, I agree, this has confused me some what. My mother has a lot of resentment toward my grandparents (although they arent aware of this, she 'suffers in silence' so to speak) as she saw them as controlling toward her, even into her adult life. I believe their disrespectfulness toward my partner is probably an off shoot of that controlling nature - They don't get the opportunity to outwardly tell me what to do like they did with my mother, as I don't respond well to that and stick up for myself more than she would, however it seems they are being passive aggressive in their methods.
They were genuinely amazing grandparents when I was a child, and even before I started to create a life for myself. As theyve got older though they have became more and more negative, and never have been people Ive felt comfortable sharing my social goings on with.
I guess what really makes this difficult is detaching myself from the people I know they can be, and not letting that affect how I treat the people they actually are right now.