Hi - I'm writing hoping someone can help in someway to guide me on this.

I've not been sleeping or eating much of late, and so torn over what to do.

I've been married over 20 years. My husband and I, along with our autistic son, were in America for the past 5 weeks, and are now back in the UK. In the second week in, I discovered that for the past 15 years, my husband has been leading a double life. I find out that he'd lied about having dinner with work colleagues, and that he'd instead met an ex-colleague, a 20-something female for dinner, one on one. I was devastated. His reaction at my discovery and at needing to see his email/texts for reasuurance was anger and I saw a side of him I've never seen, swearing etc. He believed his mail should be private, and normally I'd agree, but under the circumstances, I needed to know. I said to him "As your wife, I've not kept anything from you. If you're just friends, you should have no qualms about proving this to me.' Though of course, the lie changed everything and has naturally destroyed my trust. He eventually relented. He says it was nothing physical, but why lie? What I read, was incredibly hurtful.

Since we moved from Australia to the UK for his work, he has increasingly isolated me. He moved into a flat just after our last son was born, to be closer to his work, rather than move us all. I cried whenever he left for 3 months after that. I realise now that I should have left him then and there, that a husband cares whether his wife is happy or not. I'd left friends and family behind to support him in his career, giving my own up at his request. I have been home educating our son(ASD) and have basically been to hell and back, but he hasn't been here for the bulk of it. I adore my son and he was doing very well education-wise and as I'd always worked with special needs children, I was enjoying teaching him and seeing his progress.

I've since learned that some years back when my husband and my daughter went to the same College for different Art courses, he'd asked her never to tell me that he goes out with other women, as they're just friends and that he felt there was nothing wrong with him doing this.

He has admitted to having friendships both online and at work with many women over the years, even flying to Germany to stay with a woman briefly that he'd worked with, unbeknownst to me after our son was born. He was apparently checking out a possible new job there, but decided not to work there. He admits he's a flirt, and says he is like that with both men and women.

Since I've discovered all this, I've gone through shock mode, the tears, the anger, have thoughts of returning to Australia, getting my family and friends back that I've missed and lost through isolation, and know that I can make it on my own. This man has blamed me our entire marriage for having loved someone before him, and has always said that I should have saved myself for him.

He swears that he loves me, that he never loved these women, and that if I went to Australia, he'd move back too and live down the street from me and never give up on getting me back. He says he won't have female friends anymore. He is giving up his flat and says he'll come home every night, that I'm all he needs. He's moving back with us, but having spoken to my sister in Australia about this, she says she would leave without hesitation. He has lied to me, lied about me to his 'lady friends', as seen in his emails, and I feel so betrayed. Does a leopard ever change their spots? When he says these women were 'just friends', am I a complete fool to accept this? I always thought that in a marriage couples create a life 'together' with mutual friends and with a healthy respect and care for one another.

Thanks if you read this - I know, it happens all the time in marriages. You never expect it to happen to you. Ironic that my husband was a Christian when I married him, and that he has always made a point of saying he's 'not like other men', that he's a one-woman man...

The question is to stay or to leave? Can trust ever be rebuilt enough to make it work?