Hi all - just found this site online today and, after browsing through a little to get a feel for it, I signed up.

I've struggled with depression since as long as I can remember, though it wasn't formally diagnosed until I was just out of college. I'm seeing a T now (nearly a year with her), whom I like, and have been working through some of the foundational issues around my mental health. Mostly we've been working on anxiety, dealing with grief and resulting issues from my father's death (long overdue...he died nearly 20 years ago when I was 15), and a lifetime of feeling like I'm trying to measure up to a bar that keeps rising.

I had PPD with both of my kids, undiagnosed with my first and diagnosed/treated with my second. Since I finished that treatment about 3 years ago, I've generally been doing well - a week or two here or there where I would feel down, but nothing serious. Over the past several months, I've started a gradual spiral downwards - I didn't notice for awhile, but my husband did. It's gotten really bad over the last several weeks, and I'm into the stage where I can't figure out how I got so low or how I'm ever going to surface again - or even whether I want to. The effort to deal with it is so far beyond me, I just don't know what to do.

I tell myself all the things I know I'm supposed to do - exercise (doing OK at this), eat well (failing miserably at this), go to sleep at a decent hour (failing), wake up in the morning and force myself out of bed (managing this since I have to drive the kids to school/camp). Knowing I should avoid alcohol, sugar, caffeine - anything that artificially stimulates or depresses the system - failing at this, too.

My husband is trying to be supportive, I think, but his suggestions (along the lines of the above list) are so infuriating. I have a hard time falling asleep if it's too hot & I can't have a blanket over me...I wake a lot in the night anyway due to discomfort or my arms falling asleep. I tried to explain this as a part of the reason I'm up so late at night...I hate lying in bed awake, uncomfortable, and just waiting. He told me to turn the A/C up higher: "We'll pay to make you comfortable if that's what it takes for you to fall asleep." It's so discouraging to know I should be able to just do the things I know I should, and that he views it with such frustrating that I won't. I know he was irritated when I told him it wasn't just one thing that's keeping me up...and solving one of the twenty wasn't going to get me to sleep well.

On top of that, of course, is a complete lack of interest in sex. I feel like if I can just bring myself to do that, it would relax the atmosphere at home. I could just deal with the depression itself instead of adding the guilt over that, too. He's not callous about what I'm going through, but I know that life's more peaceful at home if he's not feeling neglected and I'm not feeling guilty.

It's getting out of hand, now - for weeks (or more) I've done just the bare minimum to get by at work. I work for my agency from my home, so there's very little supervision or observation of my habits. I can't concentrate on phone calls, have trouble focusing on what I'm reading, and it takes monumental effort to finish tasks that should be almost mundane. I'm having to ask coworkers to clarify or remind me of things that I should already know. I'm part-time, but will be increasing my hours next month to 30/wk. I'm worried I won't be able to up my productivity because of the depression, and it will become more noticeable. Of course, there's a load of guilt that comes with this, too, since I know I'm not working to my potential for them.

I've gotten to the point where I'm thinking about death a lot - how much easier it would be if something just happened to me and I wouldn't have to deal with all of this anymore. I don't believe I would be able to do it myself, but I did have one day when I was driving about a month ago, and I was so upset that the impulse to drive off the road was really strong. I resisted, but that's the first time I've been really scared about it. I haven't felt that strongly since, but I have impulse control issues elsewhere in my life (spending, eating, drinking sometimes), and I worry that that scenario could happen again.

Most of the I haven't talked about with my T yet - she's been out of town for 3 weeks, and I have a work meeting tomorrow that conflicts with my appt, so I had to cancel. My kids and I are headed out of town next week before my appt would come, so I won't see my T again until around the 2nd or 3rd week of July when we get back. Honestly, I'm relieved that I don't have to say any of this out loud to her for awhile. She and I haven't really touched on any of the depression stuff yet, since I've been mostly symptom free since I've been seeing her (except that driving incident, which was sort of isolated and I never brought up).

Don't know where I'm headed with this exactly - just needed to let it out, I guess. Does anyone else have experience with a disruption in their therapy bringing on more extreme symptoms? Not sure if that's what's going on here, or if I was just due...thanks for reading, if you made it this far.