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hmm. so mostly you figure something that you want to talk about before you go and then you just get into it right away?

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Yes, but as I get more comfortable with therapy, I'm not doing it as much or don't have such detailed thoughts in my head about what we need to cover and get through. It can be just a sentence I want to discuss and I've learned better now that even one small thing can blow up into 50 minutes of really useful work with T. So I've learned to not try to do too much and allow one thought enough space to expand and fill the session. I journal a lot so this helped me know what I needed to discuss at the next session. Lately I am not journaling as much, and this may be a good thing, as I then don't have too much "figured out" before our sessions. I think I can tend to overthink and analyze stuff and this isn't always productive.

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it is that the therapist is focused on me. observing me intently. about my existence. that another person is really seeing my existence. and i feel like i'm about dying of shame.

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I am hopeful you can work through this and it will dissipate with time as your therapeutic relationship develops. Have you shared this thought with your T?

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my eyes resolutely fixed on the rug or something a little off to the left of him

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That's really interesting to me. In my first few sessions with my T, I would tend to look off to one side (can't remember which) due to discomfort with the topic I was trying to discuss or with being in a close sharing situation with T when I was not ready, etc. T tried to get me to look off to the other side. He would say follow my hand, and move his hand from my left to right so I was staring down at the other side. I'm not sure if we moved left to right or right to left--can't remember. I did read in a book (of course, I can't remember) that the brain is doing different things when it is staring right or left and one brain mode was more preferable in therapy. And I realized that T was trying to get me to stare off to the preferable side to faciliate our therapy. I thought that was kind of cool when I realized that, like "hey, this guy is really thinking of all kinds of stuff as I am sitting here with him and trying to help me in every way he can." Anyway, maybe you can try staring off to the right next time instead of the left. Who knows, maybe it will help?

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i wonder how he would feel about my taking a benzo before session...

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I try to arrive at my session a half hour early so I can go for a brisk walk. It both relaxes me and energizes me, and clears my head. And then I go to his waiting room and wait for the client before me to finish. My T often runs late (it's like a rule!) so I often sit by myself in his waiting room, close my eyes, and sleep. No kidding. I've become very comfortable there and I like that I can sleep. There is a reading lamp on an end table there and I turn it off and it is kind of dim in the room and I relax. The first time T came out in the room to get me and it was so dim, he asked "did the light burn out?" and I felt kind of dumb but just said, no I turned it off. Now he doesn't ask me, you know, that's just sunny out there in the waiting room doing her thang. Anyway, whatever method you can use to relax before session would probably have good pay off in session.

(You guys, I must admit, I feel dumb, but I don't even know what a benzo is. Is it a tranquilizer? Like valium? Like Xanax?)