Quote:
Originally Posted by grinch11
I need help. I've had this friend for well over 7 years now. I'm having a very hard time trying to be accepting and a good friend over what she is currently doing. This friend is currently married but now has moved on to cheating on her husband. This is not the problem. The problem is that she's cheating on her husband with another married man with a family and very small children. He (the boyfriend) has told her in a round about way that he just doesn't know when he will be leaving his family to be with her. Because he loves his children so much. He has put her thru many rough times during this affair and well as what I think a good friend should do I've been there. Well in short of course she is still seeing this person. I can't help but be infuriated by all the hurtful things that have been done to her. Now I know full well she is a grown woman and she is capable of making up her own decisions and I can't do anything about it. Although I've told her straight up that it bother's me that he does these things to her I still care and will listen without criticism. I know her life is complicated and that she has decisions to make on her own. What is truly bothering me and what I don't know how to handle is that when I ask how she is she is very angry with me and short and states nothing is wrong and she is fine. Yet not even 10 minutes later she's crying and telling other's her problems. Now I as her best friend do get hurt by this action but I know she has a choice as to whom she wishes to be with or not be with. What I don't like is that she will calls me out on not checking on her (because she doesn't really reply) or constantly trying to support her. How can I want to with this kind of a cold reception? Second of all I unfortunately work with her and this boyfriend of hers. So the situation is compounded this much more. She almost will be very smug while around him. And will be pretty dismissive of me. She will ask how I am doing but it feels like if it is out of complete obligation not because there is a genuine care. At all. So my question I guess is how do I handle this whole scenario? I've remained very cordial in the friendship. And I think maybe our friendship has run it's course. I just hate having to see her play the I've got lots of friends and they like me more game. It's hurtful and infuriating. Help the very frustrated, confused, annoyed friend.
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Without even addressing her arrogance and expectation unrealistically of your full support, what is your stand on her cheating at all?
I know you're saying she's an adult and can make her own decisions but the question isn't that, it's whether or not as her friend you should support something like this. If you're ok with cheating, then so be it, support her as best you can but i get the feeling deep down even though you say "it's not the problem" I think you do have a problem with cheating. If you do what kind of a statement are you making that it's ok with you?
You have no moral obligation to support someone that you know is bringing her own pain and suffering into her own life by cheating. Tell her that you support her as a friend but not in the adulterous behavior. Anything that has to do with her adultery partner (I refuse to call it a boyfriend) you need to opt out of supporting her in. If she's doing waht she's doing and crying about it, I have no sympathy for someone that sacrifices the feelings of others and their needs (her husband, the partner's wife and kids) and then expects support and sympathy herself, it's a completely selfish position to take.
She is putting you in a difficult situation here and you deserve better. It matters sure, that you've known her for years but all the more that you need to step away from her until she gets her head on straight. Perhaps NOT supporting her will give her the wake up call she needs.
And.. regardless of if there are kids involved or not, if she is with a man that is married and he's not in an OPEN relationship where his wife knows what's going on, it's deceit and 100% cheating, not anything less and I don't care what angle someone looks at it, it's wrong.
You need to move on if only for awhile until her clear path of destruction meets it's inevitable end or she comes to grips with the reality of what she is doing.