Hi, I don't usually write here but I feel like I could do with some advice.
I should probably add that I am bipolar 1 with BPD and an alcoholic.
I feel so guilty about my feelings with this that I can't talk in RL.

My parents are staying with me over the next weeks. I don't see them often (once a year) as we live on different continents. I've just come through some stressful work situations and feel totally zapped. I am really trying to be happy that they are spending time with me and my family but in reality all kinds of horrible thoughts are creeping around in my head.

I was washing up a knife and my father was standing behind me I started to get a very uncomfortable feeling of revulsion. The closer he got the more I thought I was going to stab him. It was an awful feeling (yet relieving) and I was really upset by my thoughts; at the same time I really wanted to do it. I am so ashamed, my parents are decent people all they want to do is spend time with their daughter and grand-children.

Thing is I have always been repulsed by my dad, I know some of it might be down to disciplining. I have also never been one to feel comfortable in giving either of my parents hugs. My mother always joked that my brother was much more affectionate than me. I am just wondering if there are any techniques out there for getting over yourself and becoming more approachable. I don't feel that my parents deserve my prickliness but I am finding their visit beyond triggering. So I am struggling to keep all the voices the hallucinated faces away. I have etched a smile onto my face.

I guess it is a little difficult because I work from home so they think I don't really have to work and can spend all day having endless conversations and cook three meals a day from scratch. I've been drinking a fair bit in secret so I can wash down any feeling that I have. Mostly I am just so ashamed of myself that I cannot seem to be a better daughter.

Has anyone here experienced something similar. I would really like to know how you got over it. Thanks B