I moved across the country three weeks ago because things were just not going well where I grew up and had lived my whole entire life. I had a life time of experiences in my "home town" and most of them were absolutely horrific, and I got stuck in a whirlwind of drama, defense mechanisms, and addiction. I definitely needed a chance to get away and collect myself and my thoughts, and I took full advantage of this opportunity. I have done tons of self reflection, read quite a bit, journaled quite a bit, and found very much insight in my life. My mind is more clear than it has ever been. However, it is time to go home now, my grandma (who I have been living with here) has not been very welcoming and I am eager to be back home where I feel a bit more wanted. I am conflicted with feelings of being excited and overcome with anxiety.

What if all of this insight I have found goes out the window as soon as I touch down at the airport? Like a switch just flips in my head and I go back to my old ways, my defense mechanisms kick right back in?

What about the drama that is going to be going around all around me? It is so calm and so boring here, which made my recovery so easy...back home my life is filled with drama, my whole entire family thrives off of it. How will I keep from getting sucked right back in?

And my boyfriend...will I continue to be distant from him, will my heart continue to hold it's stone walls that I seem to believe have at least cracked since I have been here? Will I finally let him in, or will I continue to break his heart like I have been? He really has to deal with the brunt of my PTSD, unfortunately. He has been unbelievably supportive, but despite this fact, I have left him multiple times, broke his heart multiple times, due to my PTSD and fear of abandonment issues. I feel so guilty and terrible because he loves me so much, and I continuously break his heart. I just get so afraid of connecting with him, so afraid of trusting him, that I break it off. As soon as I start to feel close to him, my emotions shut down, my heart shuts down, and I run far away. It's so terrible but it happens each and every time, and with all of my emotions. I am afraid I will never be able to experience the great feelings in life because of my PTSD. When I go back home I am moving back in with him because I want to try it again, because I am afraid I left the relationship because my issues beat me. I also battle feelings of guilt - that I am guilty for being attracted to men who abused me - I have been in multiple abusive relationships and blame myself for being attracted to those type of men. The man I am going back to now, is such a great man but I just can't seem to connect with him - and then it comes down to allowing myself to feel what I feel - do I allow myself to feel what I feel, or is it really just my issues, and do I need to work through them and then will I connect with him? Or is he just not the one?

Ugh it's just too much. I get anxiety just thinking about it.