I went to T today, just like every Wednesday...but my session today went to a place I never would have imagined it even might.

We started out with our usual small talk, then she casually asked about my body image because she was wondering since I haven't really been talking about it lately...and after that, everything snowballed.

My answer was two thumbs down and saying "crappy"...so she asked why. In that moment, I honestly didn't have an answer...or it was just too hard to come up with one, I don't know which. And then of course she starts saying how body image isn't the real issue, it's just the one on the surface that we take out the real issues on.

So then we started talking about my family...and from there on out, I spent at least half my time in tears, sometimes just sitting there, staring at the floor, unable to speak. Bingo. She struck a chord and we hit it the core. I really don't want to go into detail, but the gist of it is that I feel abandoned/unwanted and inferior.

I left the office crying and trying to pull myself together. Thankfully I had sunglasses with me so I could put them on and hide my red, puffy eyes, and I kept them on until I got to the safety of my own home.

I was supposed to go out to dinner with my best friend tonight, and meet him at the restaurant...but even after just trying to relax at home, I wasn't feeling up to going out, so I texted him and asked if we could just do dinner at my place, and thankfully, he understood, said yes, and came over. It was nice to not be alone, and to have someone who understands with me, even though we spent most of our time together in silence, watching Netflix and eating.

Spending this time with him took my mind off things a bit for awhile, but as soon as I was alone again, I was consumed with my thoughts and started crying again.

I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. I forgot how much hurt I live with on a daily basis because I have a tendency to repress my feelings to the point that I'm not even able to say what they are. (That was a big problem for me in my first few years of T -- my T would always ask me how I felt about something, and I would beat around the bush and not give an actual emotion...I was that person that needed that poster with the various feelings and facial expressions)...

I just want to sit, and to be...but somehow I've gotta get to sleep tonight, and somehow I've gotta get up in the morning and make it through another day at work...and right now, I don't have faith that I can do it.

And people wonder why others hate opening up. It sucks putting everything out there and dealing with it. It hurts.