I don't have suicidal thoughts so much as nonexistent thoughts, if that makes any sense. I don't want to kill myself, and I'm too chicken to kill myself. Sometimes I wish I could just cancel my existence, though, because it seems like there is literally no way out of my problems and I'm just stuck. I have never conveyed these thoughts to any therapists because I am afraid they would hospitalize me even though I know for a fact I wouldn't actually do anything and don't have plans or anything. Would be helpful to get it off my chest, but I'm too scared of having more control taken from me than I've already lost.