Thank you for your compassion and understanding. My t is phoning my family doctor on Monday; after I sign a release form for her to be able to do so. I have signed them before for her to talk to anyone involved in my court issues and my illness. She said she will be very "point blank"; and make him realize that YES this is reality and this is what has happened.
But I am having a real crappy day. My boyfriend and I just got into a huge fight. I told him that we are done. I told him to leave and go get some help. He broke down because I called him on all of his lies. He has been lying to me about bills,etc; well I can get the mail too. duh. I dont understand what he is doing with our money. Our bills are behind and he was cut off from all of his credit cards. Then he has been making fun of my depression. He has been saying cruel things and I can't take it. He says mean things, then goes and gets me flowers; like that will make me forget. Thats where the money is; lol. He says mean things on a daily basis. Then he treats my kids badly; lately anyway. I have told him that he can't step in while I am dealing with my kids; it confusing for them and they dont need another boss in their lives. We have only been together for just over a year. I have taken a few parenting courses and gone to speak with people who deal with separation and divorce. My boyfriend was also told by my t that he can not undermine me in front of my kids. I need to deal with these things. And I do; but he butts in. My kids are frustrated. Its a constant head banging between the two of us. I love him dearly but I can't help him right now. I can't even get things straight in my head. I even tried to get him into counseling; I looked into it for him and talked to him about it. He was happy. He said he wanted to go. But he doesnt. He has some major issues that I feel he needs to deal with; of course all of this stuff with custody and my ex effects him tremendously as well. Then we lost our baby not to long ago. He is teary all the time and I worry about him. I want him to be okay. He has never had any of his own kids. I feel like I screwed it up for him. I lost his chance at having a child of his own. The truth about our baby; I was having major complications; I almost lost my son because I have a bicornate uterus, which can cause problems. I was in my third month with this one and ended up at er many times. My doc said I was at risk; I could die if the problems worsened. It scared me because I had to think of my own kids that are here right now. He felt that I should have a DNC. So I did. I killed my baby. Oh God, I dont deserve to live. I destroyed my poor little baby. I keep seeing my babies heart beat in my mind. I should have risked the complications. I am such a terrible person. I am a killer. I deserve death. So why am I still here? God, please take me, or do I deserve God? Hell, thats what I deserve. Maybe the devil will come. Maybe I am the devil.