Thanks Almeda. I have been going to see him for about a year. I am not so upset about him offering to refer me, well I guess that that maybe does bother me. But I know rationally he is only saying that because I have been abused by many men and my T is a man. He knows bits and pieces. He asked me to share some of my thoughts today and I said I didn't know. He countered with yes you do and I said yes I do but I am not ready to share. He then asked me if I would share them with someone else? I of course said no. Then he started talking about that I need to share these things as to get unstuck. That my depression will not leave until I am able to get through these things. He said that I would not offend him if I wanted to see a woman T. I am just so afraid that if people know really know that things will be validated. That I am just this awful hideous person. Or he won't be able to start what we have finished and it will all be so real if I speak it. I won't be able to push it away any longer. I can't pretend that it isn't there. I so hate everything about where I am. I wish I could have said all this to him. I couldn't - I don't know - I think I should but it is so scary what if he says your are right - you are horrible, I can't stand the sight of you. Or I can't deal with this - it is to sick - you are much sicker than I ever imagined - go away!!!!
Should I email him these thoughts, write him a letter, leave him a voice mail? I am afraid of where I am at, it isn't a good place but I don't know how to let T know where I am really. Any advice would be very helpful.