Quote:
Originally Posted by SoupDragon
Although my father is dead, he has had a hold on me for most of my life and I realised that did not stop with his death.
I realise that he is always "with me" and finally shared this with my T.
My T thinks we should look at that together - to let my dad "speak" to T, to stop him being in control of me - I understand logically why this may be useful for me, but that bit of me that is caught up with my father finds the whole thing terrifying. It feels like there is to be a battle between my father and my T and I will be stuck in the middle of it. I feel disloyal, that I can't abandon my father, that he will be angry with me for talking with T about him - maybe I am scared that he will abandon me.
It all seems so weird just writing it down, he's dead afterall, yet this issue does exist within me and feels so real.
Has anyone else experienced this?
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do you mean something like you have an alternate personality or other state of mind that has taken on the role that your dad used to have in your life...putting you down, threatening you, acting out abuses on you telling you things that your dad would have said if your dad was alive? this is called having an introject. its like having an alternate personality but slightly different....
examples....I was abused in a mineshaft in some very horrible ways. this resulted in my having another state of mind similar to DID type alters that when in that mind frame I would have no control over what happened... I would hear voices of this introject saying the same emotional abusive talk my abusers did, and acting out those abuses that my abusers did to me on the body.
sometimes during therapy this introject would take control and talk with my therapist about what had happened to me, what their role in my internal system of alters was, and that introject finally integrated with me because their job, purpose reason for being created was no more.
or do you mean you and your dad were so close that you know what he would say and do if he were alive today..
I was looking in a store window and saw a guitar. I thought that is just like my daddy's. suddenly as if my daddy were here I heard the words...well looky here bright eyes, one just your size, what say we get us a guitar. I went in and bought that guitar. I took the guitar to my therapy session and told her my daddy has something to say. I sat down, closed my eyes, thought of my daddy and played one of my dads favorite songs. my therapist smiled and said any time your daddy has something to say, he's welcome here.
in my culture its believed we carry a part of those we love and our ancestors with in ourselves. kind of like religions teach things like carry/invite jesus in your heart, that those who die have ever lasting life, that those we love live on in everyone they had contact with through memories......which is different than having alternate personalities/ ego states/ introjects...
I will always carry my daddy, others I know that are now walking in the spirit world with in me, I have the memories of them, stories told to me by the elders of the ancestors.....but how I react/act when those memories/ stories get triggered in me (most people cal this flashback / or channeling / ....) can change if I want it to. I love the fact that when something in the here and now "brings" those from the spirit world into my present. and through me like I did with the guitar, many have attended therapy with me.
my suggestion talk with your treatment provider let them know what your fears are and that you now feel like this is a power struggle and you dont want to be in the middle. your treatment provider can help make this situation a safe one for you and your daddy.