Hi purplemoon, sounds like a hard time for you now. ((((hugs))))

It sounds like you made progress in your first year of therapy because you said you made changes in your life that your therapy helped you make. That sounds good! But didn't you share your thoughts ever in your first year? What did you do for a year if not talk about your thoughts? Are you ready to move on to a new topic now that is scary for you whereas the first year topics were not scary? Could you use any lessons learned from sharing with your T for a year to help you share the new, scary stuff? Is there any way you could tell your T how hard it is and that you need to take very small baby steps to share the scary stuff? And ask if he has any ideas for what a small, first step would be? Maybe writing something on a piece of paper, just one thing?

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I need to share these things as to get unstuck. That my depression will not leave until I am able to get through these things.

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I so agree with this philosophy. I think he is really trying to help you and not just put a band-aid on your depression.

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What if he decides he doesn't want to do this? What if it is too much for him?

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I remember once a while back I was having lots of trouble sharing with T a really traumatic event from my past. He was very patient with me. We went through my stumbling blocks one by one. One of them was that the event was so terrible (to me, at least) that I didn't want to "inflict" it on T by telling him. Like why would I want to share this awful thing with someone I liked and cared for, my T? He reassured me that he had heard really terrible things in the past from his clients--war stories from veterans, cult abuse, sexual abuse, torture, etc. And that he was really strong right now, at a good point in his own life, that he could handle whatever I told him. So he offered me this kind of concrete reassurance, and said that is what he is there for. Then we moved on to my next objection, etc. It took a while, but I eventually got there and dumped this big thing on him, and he handled it fine. It helped build our bond and made future sharing easier for me. Every time, it gets a little easier. You just have to start somewhere, and test the T, and see how he responds and show yourself that he accepts you and that you will survive the sharing experience. Just start small. One small thing. And ask your T to help you. Tell him you are afraid. ((((hugs))))