I think seeing your therapist is a very good idea. it sounds like you are stuck in a very scary place. I always saw it as a bad sign when I said I was scaring myself. I knew it was time to take some action and be honest with t about where I was at because I was afraid of what was going to happen. so if you don't have an appt please make one so you can take steps to get out of this hole you are in. please take care of yourself.