Hi 1119993, it must have taken a lot for you to have posted what you did, so really well done, and thankyou for sharing with us!!
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. It's not just a choice to feel like you do, it's not just you "letting yourself" feel that way but there can be help out there.
Perhaps you could see a counselor again, that was a really good move you made initially seeing one, but maybe this time have a think about the things that were stopping you from telling the truth. There are plenty of very understandable reasons why people feel they can't open up about what's going on for them e.g. they're scared of what people will think or the way they will be treated, they think other people wouldn't understand anyway, they don't know where or how to begin...........but often when those thoughts/feelings are challenged it can moreso point to the depression itself stopping them from getting the help they need (whatever that help is).
And I'd say you've got some real good insight in reaching out now, while things are this bad before they get worse and about the SI too. So you know you deserve some help?!!
And as for the girlfriend, well sometimes depression can have you believing such negative things about yourself and believing that other people are thinking similar things too when that may not be the case. Either way though don't let your girlfriend put you off getting more help with this.
Still you've come to a good place for support with what you're going through, you'll find a lot of really understanding and supportive people on here, so keep on talking we're here for you.
And while it may be a good idea to see a doctor and a counselor we can still be right here to support you through that process.
So, welcome to PC!!!
Alison
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