Hi TJ, the bit about not coping but then it gets to an appointment and.............well you've still been going though a really hard time in the inbetween haven't you?
That matters just as much as anything else. Making it to the appointment doesn't contradict anything, you've still been having those feelings/those thoughts, and you deserve help with that. No embarrassment there, OK??!!
And you know, I'd never be saying that SI appears stupid, it sometimes be a coping mechanism when nothing else works. Of course we want something else/better to work for you, because you really don't want to be going down that road, and with help..........but doesn't appear stupid!!!
And moving on down.........if at any time you feel you need real help, there and then, please don't hesitate in reaching for it. You know the score, crisis teams etc, just don't hesitate in reaching out for that help, it's not going to be saying you're weak it's going to be saying you're strong!! And you know, you are strong!!
The bit about: "the strong person that I should be... the one that takes everything on the chin, overcomes obstacles and doesn't worry" Well the size of the obstacles you're facing, I'd defy anyone to just take it on the chin. Depression is real, it absolutely isn't something anyone/anyone experiencing it can just "cast off". It really isn't!!
And ashamed.......you didn't ask for things to be this way, you're not just "letting" things be this way, you didn't "just "let down your guard" and..............
So, yes, I'd say you've shown/you're showing amazing strength in what you're having to cope with!!
And feel free to lean on your wife (I know she'd tell you to!! ), your (any!!) doctor, anyone, AND us when you're finding it hard. I know it seriously isn't easy, it's just about finding a way through it for you. And that way through doesn't necessarily have to be that far away.
Hang in there. Here for you.............
Alison