Thank you Took a deep breath reading that, taking it step by step and I appreciate both the content and I guess your impression of my 'strength' (might not be expressing myself very well there... so will just add 'thanks')

High lighted the above as that's a big part of what I struggle with.... consequences.

There are times when yes... I desperately want (need) help... but I worry about 2 quite big stumbling blocks to me.

1. being rejected. Would find that very counter productive to be told that I don't meet the criteria for the crisis team to help. Budget cuts over here and with the nhs as it is... means they are very selective in who they can actually help. My doctor advised less than 3 weeks back that as it stands right now, I technically meet the criteria... but in reality, there'd still be a good chance that depending on any given day, they just wouldn't be able to do anything and he (my doctor) was worried that such a situation could tip me over the edge (and in honesty I think it would be hit and miss with how I reacted).

2. Was it to all go to crap... how deep would the rabbit hole go. i.e. I suddenly find that I'm hospitalised (and I'm not saying that that's the only kind of help the crisis team give... just worse case scenario... well not quite worse case... but yeah I hope you know what I mean)... my concern here is the impact that would have - job, marriage (my wife is amazing... but she hasn't faced that, my one experience was before I knew her).

My work is even more so in a precarious situation what with them trimming down and making people redundant. Not sure what the legal ramifications would be if they cut me loose in that situation... but even if they couldn't, going back would be damn right embarrassing and awkward.

As such, those two reasons actually stop me from reaching for immediate help when I'm climbing the walls as it were... and by the same context it's very frustrating and perhaps dumb on my part... as those are also the times when I 'might' do something stupid.

I keep getting told that in those situations I should talk to someone... but I don't really want to... I'm usually in a mix of anxiety and misery... and it's the former that jumbles up my thoughts and limits my rationality... having someone telling me to talk at that time is more likely to have me wanting them to piss off, as for me to talk is going to = verbal diareeh and then I'll be embarrassed = more anxiety.

meh.

Sorry... I suppose this post has been useful for me to lay out how I see it as I don't think I've written or said this before... but yeah, that sadly how I see getting help when I'm in crisis and I apologise if it's kind of just appearing like a stubborn reluctance to listen to good advice (and I know what you are saying is right... I just 'worry')