So... Again long time no see.

I started seeing another T in my new home town since I was really bad this spring. Yesterday I met her the third time and it was definitely the worst of the sessions yet. We have agreed to try with a cognitive behavioural therapy approach to solve my problems with trich and to get me better, and last time we spoke a lot about certain situations. Yesterday I just lost it. Anxiety level ~90 in T's room. Horrible.

I need to have control. I have realised that a lot of my problems derive from control. I'm having a tough time letting go of having control. Simple things as doing the dishes I really can't let my boyfriend do - not that he doesn't do it better - but if I do it then I won't have bad conscience for not doing "something important". I really can't relax. Constantly wound up.

This makes me worry a lot, worrying is also a huge part of the problem. My thoughts are constantly spinning around the future and what will happen. The need of knowing is big, but no one can predict the future which means that it's out of my control. Rough.

The anxiety deriving from this is manifesting itself through my hair pulling. It's a way to try and cope with anxiety and stress. And right now I am in a bad place... Yesterdays session with T made me realise how bad I really am and how much I try to deal with at the moment. She wrote stuff all over her whiteboard and it was scary seeing my thoughts and behaviour so clearly. The worst part is that she made me feel even worse, not trying to help me but just letting me sit there and cry and try to breathe, asking if I was mad with her. I don't like her... But I guess she is my best option for now. Our next session is scheduled for a month from now, and I am so scared about how I will be able to handle myself during that time.

Yesterday triggered something in me and I am so scared of emotions and feelings... I know that pushing them away don't work anymore but I don't know any other way of working with unwanted stuff...