Today in a nutshell:
Racing & chaotic thoughts. Intrusive images of self harm. Extremely agitated, irritated & angry for no apparent reason. Snapped a few times at my kids & felt bad about it. Had a 2 hr. bout of sobbing in my bathroom w/a panic attack in the middle & out of klonopin. Last time I had a sobbing panic attack it took 4mg of klonopin to make me feel more calm & it took about 45 minutes. I've been getting these more often and it's usually triggered by negative feelings about myself or feelings of guilt & the intrusive images of self harm & sometimes suicide are always there w/these sobbing panic attacks. I think what used to make me feel suicidal was because I had so much abuse and childhood trauma going on that it was difficult to breathe without it hurting emotionally from age 11 till age 20. Then my suicidal ideation and attempts became about guilt and negative feelings about myself and I do t know exactly when it switched but when I look back, I can remember after the initial feelings of extreme pride & happiness I felt at 19 when I had our first child, it took about 6 months, but then is when it all switched. I became crazy intensely emotional and sensitive and I always feel like I've done doe thing wrong. Like I don't deserve these kids and this amazing husband I've been so lucky to have. Why can't I just be happy that I have a good family (at least my husband and kids, my extended family actually triggers me on a regular basis just by talking to me). This has been a rant and I don't even know if it made sense. Please someone let me know what they think about what I've said. I need some feedback tonight. Maybe someone has experienced something similar??? I just feel awful all the time. And I know I just got back on psych meds and started seeing. P doc again regularly, but I do t know how much longer I can handle this emotional whiplash!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk