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Originally Posted by Notnrml85
Today in a nutshell:
Racing & chaotic thoughts. Intrusive images of self harm. Extremely agitated, irritated & angry for no apparent reason. Snapped a few times at my kids & felt bad about it. Had a 2 hr. bout of sobbing in my bathroom w/a panic attack in the middle & out of klonopin. Last time I had a sobbing panic attack it took 4mg of klonopin to make me feel more calm & it took about 45 minutes. I've been getting these more often and it's usually triggered by negative feelings about myself or feelings of guilt & the intrusive images of self harm & sometimes suicide are always there w/these sobbing panic attacks. I think what used to make me feel suicidal was because I had so much abuse and childhood trauma going on that it was difficult to breathe without it hurting emotionally from age 11 till age 20. Then my suicidal ideation and attempts became about guilt and negative feelings about myself and I do t know exactly when it switched but when I look back, I can remember after the initial feelings of extreme pride & happiness I felt at 19 when I had our first child, it took about 6 months, but then is when it all switched. I became crazy intensely emotional and sensitive and I always feel like I've done doe thing wrong. Like I don't deserve these kids and this amazing husband I've been so lucky to have. Why can't I just be happy that I have a good family (at least my husband and kids, my extended family actually triggers me on a regular basis just by talking to me). This has been a rant and I don't even know if it made sense. Please someone let me know what they think about what I've said. I need some feedback tonight. Maybe someone has experienced something similar??? I just feel awful all the time. And I know I just got back on psych meds and started seeing. P doc again regularly, but I do t know how much longer I can handle this emotional whiplash!
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OOHHHH I've had many of those days. Even just recently. I remember just a month ago intense rapid cycling in one day left me so panic stricken I ended up hiding under my couch. Scary man.
I also had an abusive childhood that still haunts me to this day. Major PTSD but can't deal with it in therapy because my moods are too unstable and it'll just send me right off the edge. Funny how we punish ourselves for something that was done TO us.
My kids are older now but I always punished myself for being a "psycho mom." All the suicide attempts and hospitalizations. I'm ashamed just thinking about it.
You have to let the meds take effect, unfortunately. My cycling has calmed down some but I know how you feel. It's intense, terrifying and absolutely exhausting.
Give yourself a break. You have an illness that's beyond your control. Are you getting any therapy to learn to manage this? It would be a help.
I have no good advice I just wanted to validate what you're going through and it will eventually come to an end.
Rather than feeling like you don't deserve an amazing family, be thankful for them.
