Quote:
Originally Posted by Plzsti
OOHHHH I've had many of those days. Even just recently. I remember just a month ago intense rapid cycling in one day left me so panic stricken I ended up hiding under my couch. Scary man.
I also had an abusive childhood that still haunts me to this day. Major PTSD but can't deal with it in therapy because my moods are too unstable and it'll just send me right off the edge. Funny how we punish ourselves for something that was done TO us.
My kids are older now but I always punished myself for being a "psycho mom." All the suicide attempts and hospitalizations. I'm ashamed just thinking about it.
You have to let the meds take effect, unfortunately. My cycling has calmed down some but I know how you feel. It's intense, terrifying and absolutely exhausting.
Give yourself a break. You have an illness that's beyond your control. Are you getting any therapy to learn to manage this? It would be a help.
I have no good advice I just wanted to validate what you're going through and it will eventually come to an end.
Rather than feeling like you don't deserve an amazing family, be thankful for them.  |
Thank you for the validation! Seriously! Sometimes that's all I need to be able to continue my day & when I don't get it I feel insecure, vulnerable & unsure of myself. Unfortunately, it makes me come of as an overly sensitive, insecure & needy person, which I've heard can be rather irritating. So what happens?
I become needy, then people seem to (metaphorically) run away from me as fast as they possibly can. I feel like this is the only place I can say whatever I need to in order to vent without that response I usually get from people when I tell them what I'm actually thinking. People seriously have stated at me with a blank/offended look & I stand there and wonder "okay, so what did I do or say that is wrong?" Cause of course, it has to be something that I did, cause it seems as if no one else is ever at fault but me or maybe I'm just an easy scapegoat because of my mental illness. I hate all these thoughts that I can't keep up with. I would write but last time I wrote when I was mixed and couldn't sleep despite meds, I wrote for pages and pages and used a whole pilot g2 gel pen. Those pens are my favorite.
Side note: is it weird that I'm obsessed with art, school & office supplies. Staples and Office Depot are like my heaven. Maybe I should go buy some new pens whenever they open.
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